


More Than Meets the Eye

by Gina Callen (CALLEN37)



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-06 10:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4219074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CALLEN37/pseuds/Gina%20Callen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deeks hid a part of himself, one week a year he needed the time off. But this year he didn't get it and Sam decided to test Deeks' self defense skills. Will Callen and Sam learn that there is more to Deeks than meets the eye?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a whole year.

A lot can happen in a year…

He had recovered from his ordeal with Sidorov, He had finally moved on with Kensi and they were in a relationship. He had signed the papers to become a full time NCIS Agent, although he had given them to Hetty he had asked her to hold onto them and not process them until he had gotten used to the idea and had seen Lieutenant Bates and handed his resignation to him.

He had thought that after all that had happened he and Sam were in a better place. They had been for a while, that was when he had signed the papers and had handed them to Hetty.

A move he was beginning to regret.

For six months of the last year Sam had been better, he had respected the detective, in the bullpen things had gotten better and Deeks had relaxed his guard.

'Stupid, stupid, stupid!' he thought to himself as he hit the heavy bag over and over again.

"Deeks?" Kensi called seeing her partners pained expression, "You ok?"

"I'm good."

Kensi shook her head, "I thought you would have toughened up by now. Sam's just joking...well kind of, you were a bit sloppy out there and you do need to brush up on your self defense skills."

"Yeah right." Deeks replied. He threw one last punch at the bag and turned unwrapping his hands and heading to the showers.

Kensi watched as he walked away.

Something was still eating him, but for the life of her she didn't know what. He had been a part of the team long enough to know Sam was joking.

But he didn't and Deeks was smarting, today was not the day that he really wanted to be pushed. Usually he took this week off. However the case they had just finished meant that he hadn't been able to take the time away or to go undercover.

He knew he should talk to her, but he couldn't...not about this. After all he had told her that he had shot his father during thanksgiving dinner when he was an adult. He hadn't told her the whole thing.

He walked back into the bullpen, Sam was engrossed in getting his reports done and Callen was on the balcony talking to Kensi as Hetty walked up to Deeks' desk.

"I appreciate you coming in today Mr. Deeks. I know it's no consolation but I have arranged a pass for you to Camp Pendleton, I hear the surf down there is perfect today. You can leave now and finish your report tomorrow, I am sorry that I cannot give you longer."

Deeks smiled up at the small woman greatfully. "Thank you." He replied and without a word to the others he grabbed his bag and walked out.

As he was about to close the large main doors to the mission he heard Sam exclaim something about the LAPD Detective being a part-timer and his face fell as he closed the door.

"But Mr. Hanna, Mr. Deeks works twice as hard as you do and if you knew his routine you would know this is his annual leave, but he took the time out to make sure he was available to help us on the case." Hetty admonished him.

Sam nodded, "He was a good help." He admitted, "But he needs to work on his street fighting skills...When we got outnumbered out there I was worried he was going to get hurt."

"Mr. Hanna, Trust your teammate." Hetty said and turned to walk to her office as Kensi and Callen both got to their desks.

"Did you know Deeks was on leave?" Sam asked the pair of them.

The other two shook their heads.

"I was thinking about what you said about helping Deeks with his tradecraft." Callen said as he sank into his chair his bruises from the earlier fight smarting.

"We took the brunt of the fight," Sam replied, "If Deeks was outnumbered I don't know if he could handle himself, especially if the opponent was bigger than him."

Callen cocked his head slightly and looked at his partner, "What do you have in mind?" he asked.

Sam smiled and leaned back in his chair.

* * *

He had been surfing for three hours, it wasn't long enough to forget, but it was enough...for a while...to keep the demons at bay.

Deeks nodded to a couple of Marines on the beach as he drove his surfboard into the sand and sat on a towel looking at the Ocean.

It had been over thirty years since that fateful day but he had never forgotten, never quite buried the little boy who had fought tooth and nail to survive his childhood. He had honed the skills he had learned then, but had promised never to fully use them unless he had to. He held back promising never to lose control, never to become like his father. He knew that the others thought he had not fought to the best of his ability...or worse maybe they had thought he had. But he didn't care, this week...this day and tomorrow which was worse, he wouldn't cross that line.

June 1989, the worst month of his life.

His father had been laid off, and had started drinking heavier than before. Although you couldn't really have called it better before. Little Martin Brandel was according to his parents and teachers a clumsy child. He was always getting into scraps, fighting, falling...getting, more than the odd, bruise or two.

But this month was worse. His mother had been in the kitchen, she had handed 11 year old Marty his father's beer and told him to take it out to him while she finished his dinner off.

Gordon Brandel was sitting on the couch watching Starsky and Hutch, laughing at the cops on the television. Marty used to watch from behind the couch wanting to be the good guys and drive the large red and white car.

"Come here boy!" Brandel yelled as he caught sight of his son's hair.

Martin shuffled forward keeping his eyes on his feet, his big toe sticking out of the hole in his threadbare sock.

"You spying on me boy?" Brandel roared.

Martin shook his head and handed his father the drink.

"You drinking my beer boy?" Brandel looked at the bottle, the liquid looked a little short.

"N...no sir…" Martin stammered fearfully.

Brandel roared with laughter causing Martin to jump back.

"Yeah ya did...come here, drink some more."

Martin shook his head, he didn't like the stuff it smelled horrible and he grimaced as the foul tasting liquid was poured down his throat and a hand wrapped around his neck.

"SWALLOW!" Gordon yelled.

Martin swallowed as large tears pooled in his eyes.

"YOU EVER STEAL FROM ME AGAIN BOY AND I'LL KILL YOU!"

The hand tightened it's grip and lifted him off his feet, just as black spots swam in his vision the pressure eased and he found himself sailing through the air to crumple with a thud against the wall the last sound he heard was a faint scream, not realizing it came from him.

* * *

Marty shook his head as he wiped a hand over his face, flashbacks were fast and furious this time of the year. He needed this week he allowed himself every year to work through his demons and compartmentalize again for another year, to fix the mask that was Marty Deeks firmly in place over the true face of Martin Brandel.

Still not fully himself, but needing to move he took his board back to the car and drove home, needing to shower, change and get a change of scenery in, maybe some music, laughter and life to fill the dead spot inside of him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The bar was winding down.

Deeks had had a meal, and a few beers to dull the pain, but not the senses. He wasn't that daft.

He sat in the corner booth of the bar and watched as a couple, about the same age his parents would have been had they lived, sat, ate a meal and toasted their wedding anniversary.

His mind wandered as to where it had all gone wrong.

Had it been, as he was told, good up until the point he was born?

Was it really his fault?

Had he been more alert would she still be alive?

He shook his head not wanting to go there, but not seeing the pair of eyes in the car outside watching his every move.

* * *

"Maybe we should call this off?" Callen said to the occupants of the car.

"Something isn't right with him." Kensi agreed, "Maybe I should go and talk to him."

"I thought we agreed he needed this training, We did it with you Kensi, and I've done it with Michelle. Deeks just needs toughening up." Sam argued. "It's for his own good."

They watched as Deeks pulled his leather jacket around himself and thrust his hands in his pockets and walked away from the bar.

"I can't…" Kensi argued, she couldn't handle the feeling that although Sam might be right her gut said this was wrong.

They watched as Deeks walked along the road, he stopped near a cemetery and entered.

"We can't go in there." Kensi said, "Let's leave it for tonight. Talk to him tomorrow." she pushed.

Reluctantly Sam agreed, "Ok, I'll drop you off." he said and they drove off.

Watching Kensi enter her apartment, Callen looked at the determined look on his partners face. "You're not leaving it there are you?"

Sam chuckled, "Hell no...Like I said G, this is for Deeks' own good, LAPD has made him soft." He turned his car around and headed back to where they had last seen Deeks.

* * *

He had sat for half an hour by his mother's grave, barely glancing at the one belonging to his father..

He had been surprised when Hetty had told him that not only was his father dead, killed in 1994 in an automobile accident when he had been drunk at the wheel, but that  _his_  family had chosen to bury him only four rows away from the woman he had killed the night he had destroyed the sad excuse of a family little Martin Brandel had been able to call his own.

He sat his hand over his mother's headstone shedding the tears he let go this day every year as he remembered what he had woken up to. The screams from his parents bedroom as his father had beaten his mother, the sound his own arm had made as his father caught him standing outside the door in indecision as to whether or not he should try to call the cops as he was grabbed and his arm twisted beyond its breaking point.

The screams that left his own mouth as he had run to his room to escape the swinging fists of his father as he had grabbed the gun Ray had given him just the day before, and with the excruciating pain radiating up his arm and down the rest of his body he had fired the gun, the ricochet throwing him back into a wall and oblivion again as his father fell back with a bullet wound to the shoulder just as the police, called by a neighbor, screeched to a halt outside of the house.

He had run out the back, cradling his now broken arm. His father running behind him, his own bullet wound bleeding but the alcohol in his system meant that he was feeling no pain. Martin had run down the block, past the grocery store and down an alleyway.

He stopped panting in fear as he realized he had run into a dead end and there was no escape.

"You can't run boy...ya shot me and I swear to God you are going to pay for that."

"I didn't mean too!" Martin screamed.

"GORDON NO!" His mother's pleading scream rang through the alley causing both Gordon and Martin to stop.

She ran ahead and stood in front of the boy, her arms stretched as if to shield him from his father.

"Move woman, the boy will pay." Gordon lifted his gun at the shaking child.

"NO." She stood her ground, "This is enough, we won't take it anymore."

Brandel lifted the gun, "Fine." Not even blinking he fired shooting her point blank in the chest as the police caught up to the terrified family.

Martin fell to his mother's side and held his small hands over her wound. "Don't die momma." He begged tears falling from his face.

"You wait there, don't leave." She said knowing that he wanted to run away but hoping that the police would help him. "Stay close by here." she coughed and lifted her hand to touch his face. "Be a good boy Martin...I love..." her eyes fluttered closed and she died.

" ** _MOMMA_**!" he screamed as hands gently grabbed his shoulders.

"You have to come with us son." A police officer said as he pulled the boy away.

He didn't want to disobey his mother but the police officer insisted and put him in the back of a squad car.

It had been the last time Martin remembered seeing his birth parents.

Deeks stood, patted the gravestone and pulled his jacket back on.

"I hope you're safe mom, I forgive you." he said as he did every time he visited with her.

He turned and headed for the street and life again, sparing now a glance at his father's headstone. "Rot in hell." He snapped, for a second feeling guilty and flinching, but then resolutely walking on and away from the demon he once called father.

He opened the gate and walked down the street, turning onto the street he had once called home.

* * *

Those who knew him walked away, those who didn't...well in this area of Los Angeles no one really interacted.

The local gang members knew who he was and at the sight of Brandel's boy walking the street they scattered. Even now the man's reputation was still used to scare children straight from bad behavior to good. Here Marty was himself, more Max Gentry than Marty Deeks and every inch, Brandel...not to be messed with.

Everyone knew he didn't come here much, but this week of this month the streets in Reseda were safer as Brandel walked the sidewalk, retracing his steps...his name a legend in it's own right.

Sam and Callen parked the car at the top of the hill and watched as unseeing Marty his hand in his pockets and his mind miles away walked down the hill.

A group of thugs walked around a corner.

"He's gonna be in trouble." Callen warned worried for his friend.

The gang leader stopped and shook Marty's hand, offered him something, which Deeks shook his head too and the gang leader stepped aside to let him pass.

"You see that?" Sam snapped, "You think Deeks is on the take?"

Callen shook his head, "Maybe he's undercover again." they stood aside as the group passed them.

"Dude….you are so lucky Marty didn't hand you yo ass!" one kid laughed to the gang leader. "Offering him drugs, you know he's a cop don't ya?"

"He's a Narc?" The kid asked his leader in surprise.

"Mind yo manners Julio...That's Brandel...no one crosses him, but he don't stay round here long. Just stay outta his way and you'll be good." The leader said respectfully.

Callen and Sam shot a look of confusion between them, "Brandel?" Callen asked after the men had passed.

Sam shrugged.

They followed Deeks until they got to an alleyway.

* * *

Deeks walked down and placed a rose on the one clean spot in the whole Alleyway. The spot where a few days later his father, had gunned down his mother so she wouldn't testify against him.

It had been a while since he had been here, even though he visited his mother's grave every year.

His mother had been loved in the neighborhood and the spot where she died was kept spotless even amongst the rubbish in the small alleyway. Fern Brandel was always talked about amongst the people who had known her and Marty was, although feared by the gangs loved by the older women who remembered him helping his mother as a child.

After her death a few had tried to adopt him, but his father had put pay to that, refusing even while in jail to sign any adoption papers.

The second Marty had hit 21 he had left the name Brandel behind and took on the name Deeks in honor of his mother.

His father's family had refused to take in the homeless and now parent-less eleven year old, believing Brandel's lie about the child not being his.

Marty had hit the system for a week until he had run away. He had lived on the streets for a few months, living in cardboard boxes and hanging out with the other homeless children, none of whom questioned if he had any parents.

It wasn't until an eagle eyed worker at a shelter noticed that the little blond headed boy would arrive with a different family each time and not one adult in each of the families seemed to pay attention to the child.

Marty's mind wandered as he thought back to that time.

He had at this point been homeless for three months, the last family he had latched onto had moved on, the father looking for work and he found himself alone. He had tried to sneak into the shelter for the night, but without a family to claim as his, he was turned away. Not realizing that she was following him.

Jessica Bates watched as the child stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked away from the group, confirming what she had thought for a while. He didn't have any parents with him.

She had scoured the missing children posters that she had in her possession to see if anyone was missing him, however no one matching his description was on there. After putting a call in to a friend at child welfare, to determine that there were no missing children on their books; she went to follow him.

He kept his head down avoiding eye contact with everyone until he got to the alley. He walked to the back, knelt to touch the faint blood stain that was there and whispered something. Then moving away he grabbed a bag he had stashed under a dumpster and pulled his makeshift shelter over himself.

At that Jess realized the boy was truly alone. She walked quietly down the alley and moved the box.

Instantly Martin was alert, he pulled his knife and held it out shakily protecting himself. "I ain't got to money!" he snapped trying to look tough but failing as tears of fear escaped his blue eyes.

"It's ok kid, I'm not trying to hurt you...It's me...Jess...from the shelter." she stepped back showing her hands were empty.

Martin moved back from her.

"What do you want?" he asked his distrust of adults obvious.

"Do you want to come back to the shelter?" she asked.

Martin shook his head, "They sent me away, they don't want me...I may be dumb but even I know not to go where I ain't wanted."

"Where are your parents?" Jess asked.

Martin's eyes flicked to the blood stain, "My dad's in jail...momma...she's...not here anymore."

She followed his now unflinching gaze at the bloodstain.

"She told me to wait…." he said softly, "But they took me away, I promised her though, I gotta wait here."

"What's your name?" Jess asked. "Mines Jessica Bates."

"Martin Brandel." He replied.

Her mind whirled… Brandel….she remembered the case, it had made the news and everyone knew Gordon Brandel was bad news. "That was eight months ago, have you been here all this time?"

Martin shook his head, "Some people too me away, made me stay too far away. I promised momma, I'm not going to leave her."

Jess crouched down.

"You know your momma would be worried if you were cold and hungry...How about you come back to the shelter with me? You've stayed there before right?"

"It's close...Momma said I shouldn't go too far." He explained.

Jess smiled and held out her hand. "We had lasagna today, I'll bet you're hungry?"

Martin stood up and nodded. "Yes Ma'am, but momma said we shouldn't take Charity."

Jess nodded, she had a few families that came through the shelter and felt that way, and she knew of a job that would be perfect for Martin.

"Well...we had a puppy dropped off with us, he needs a friend. If you'll help me by taking him for a walk and looking after him for me, then I'll pay you in a meal...deal?"

Martin nodded, "Yes Ma'am."

"Jess." she said, "If we are going to be friends and work together you can call me Jess."

"My friend Ray calls me Marty...I like it better than Martin."

Jess smiled, "Marty, come on then, little Monty will be wanting his dinner too."

* * *

Marty smiled as he remembered his first night with the woman who eventually became his new mother.

He dropped a rose on the space on the floor and turned intent on going to the shelter to see if his mother needed an extra hand.

He stopped as he heard a noise behind him.

"Don't move." The deep voice growled as he felt the familiar feel of a gun in the small of his back.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Without thinking he moved.

" _ **NO!"**_

Pressing down and back he caused his assailant to drop the gun and with fists flying he turned and knocked the large man on the temple, causing him to stagger to the side and hit the wall.

He kicked out and started pummeling the man screaming, " _GET OFF HER!_ " as he did so.

Before the second pair of hands could pull him off, he had beaten the first guy senseless.

" _ **DEEKS!**_ " Callen yelled as he grabbed Marty's shoulders.

"Get off of me!" Marty snarled as he jabbed Callen in the gut with his elbow and whirled hitting him in the nose with a sickening crunch.

Bending down and holding his now throbbing nose Callen stepped back as Deeks dropped into a defensive crouch his fists raised ready to strike.

"Deeks, it's us!" Callen yelled.

Marty stopped and shook his head to clear it.

"What the hell?" he snapped realizing that the two assailants that had been behind him were his supposed team mates.

"Deeks…" Callen started.

Deeks shook his head and headed down the alleyway, "I thought we were teammates, but you think it's fun to attack me?"

"It wasn't like that Deeks, it's training." Callen replied moving to help Sam up.

"Fuck your training." He swore and he stepped back as Callen reached for his arm to placate him, "Go home Callen."

* * *

Deeks walked to the shelter, not acknowledging, nor caring, that Callen and Sam were following.

He bypassed the line at the shelter most moving to avoid him, not out of fear, more out of respect and he walked in picking up a sign in sheet off the wall and grabbed the first aid kit off the wall. He turned around and pointed to a table in the corner of the room, there were a group of men sitting there who moved when they saw Deeks enter.

"That's my spot. Sit there and patch him up." Marty snapped putting the first aid kit in Callen's hand.

"Marty….sweetie...what did you do this time?" A woman's voice came from a back room.

An older blonde haired woman walked out and took Deeks' hands carefully inspecting his bloody knuckles.

Deeks set his shoulders and sighed. "Nothing Ma."

"Martin Andrew Deeks...Don't you dare insult my intelligence young man. I heard from the boys you were here and I know what the date is. Who got the brunt of your temper this time?"

"It's not my fault Ma…" Deeks sank onto the table as Jess walked back into the large kitchen where men were serving up the last of the evening meal and came back out with a hot drink in her hand and placed it beside him.

She draped the blanket she had in her arm over his shoulders.

"Been a bad one this time hun? Roger said you couldn't get the time off."

Deeks shook his head, "Had to work."

"Sit down Marty." Jess ordered and produced her own medkit.

"I'm fine." Deeks snapped, he stopped and looked at her apologetically as she raised his head to look him in the eye.

"You need me to call the police?" Jess asked, "I know no one local did this," she shot a worried look at the two men who had come in with her boy. "Where you protecting them?" she asked suspiciously.

Deeks shook his head.

"Did you do this to them?" Jess asked.

Marty nodded.

Sam looked at her indignantly, "I was a Navy Seal, I can defend myself,."

Jess laughed, "Yeah, but my boy kicked your ass didn't he?"

Turning to dab some iodine on Marty's knuckles she nodded in Sam and Callen's direction.

"You remember doing it?" she asked him quietly.

Deeks shook his head, "Not till the end...I was...ya know…"

Jess nodded. "Do you know them then? You've not brought the others back before."

"Work with them. NCIS." Deeks mumbled.

"That's them son; Hanna and Callen?" she asked scrutinizing them as she dealt with him.

Deeks nodded, but said nothing.

Sam and Callen looked up surprised that Deeks would have talked to whoever this woman was about them.

"I thought NCIS was better, that they were better people." Jess looked at them accusingly.

Callen shifted uncomfortably he knew that look, it was the same look he'd received as a child from annoyed foster parents when he had misbehaved.

Jess stood up, turning to Callen and Sam her hands on her hips. "So what is your excuse?" she walked towards them and both men sat defiantly.

Sam stared her down for a moment and then looked away.

"You have been working with him for over two years, you know what this week is to him and yet you felt the need to follow him and then try and beat him up? I thought you would be different." she looked disappointed, "I thought he had finally found somewhere where he fitted in."

Marty laughed sourly, "Here is the only place I fit in." he stood up and left a twenty on the counter, "Is my room empty?" he asked.

"Got a family in there son, but my room is free if you need to rest."

Marty wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

"Thanks ma...painkillers in the safe?" He asked.

She nodded, "I'll check on you before the nightmares come."

"I'll be fine."

Marty didn't even look back he just walked out to the back rooms leaving Callen and Sam to face the wrath that was Jessica Bates.

* * *

"Ma'am...Mrs. Deeks...I…" Sam started.

"I'm not Mrs Deeks, there is no Mrs. Deeks...not that I know of…" Jessica snapped.

"You…" she pointed a finger into Sam's chest. "He was tortured to save you and your wife, he went through hell afterwards."

"I thanked him." Sam retorted.

"He never asked for your thanks, all he ever wanted was your respect. He knew he would have to earn it and you repay it by doing this to him!"

"We were teaching him self defense, he was in an alleyway. He had left himself exposed to attack."

"You attacked him in the alley?!" Jess sat down suddenly her hands over her mouth in shock. " _No!_ " She let a tear fall and turned to the two men in horror. "Have you ever talked to him? Do you have any idea what you've done?"

Callen walked over to the hatch and grabbed a cup of tea for Jessica and handed it to her.

"Tell us about Deeks, what is so important about this week?." he asked calmly as he handed her the drink.

She took it and took a sip, "Marty isn't my biological son, I found him." she said.

She told them all she knew about their first meeting and his first few days at the shelter.

"I know it will be hard for you both to understand, but Marty never had a perfect childhood, he was placed into foster care at eleven but ran away because he made a promise to his mother."

"A promise? I mean I know that foster care isn't perfect...but…?" Callen stopped as Jess looked him up and down scrutinizing him.

"You've been in the system too?" She surmised, "How long?"

"All my life." Callen replied.

"And your parents?" She asked.

Callen shook his head, "It's a long story but until recently I knew nothing about them."

Jess nodded, "I understand and believe me when I tell you Marty wished he didn't know who his parents were."

"So, you're not his mother?" Sam asked confused, he was sure Deeks had called her mom.

"I would be proud to be his mother, but no. That alley you found him in, that was where his mother died. She made him promise that he wouldn't leave her. Child services put him into foster care in Santa Clara for him that was too far away and he had promised to protect her and stay close."

Sam felt his gut drop to his boots. After all Deeks had done for him, and he had let him down again.

"But he never said, he clowns around all the time." Sam argued.

Jess looked sadly at him, "Have you ever hurt so deep that the only way you can cope is to bury your feelings and move on?" she asked.

Sam thought about it, he had hurt that badly once. It was not something he ever thought about it.

Jess saw both men thinking about her words. "Marty is not the clown you think he is, it's a mask. Something he invented to hide the boy he was and the man he could have been."

The large hall had emptied and she stopped as a noise from the kitchen area distracted her.

* * *

She got up and left them for a moment, walking to the kitchen where two men were left cleaning up. "Jack...Pete, you can leave the rest of it and go and rest up. I'll finish it off."

The two old men looked at the two younger men sitting on the benches in the now empty hall.

"You gonna be ok Jess?" Jack asked eyeing the two newcomers distrustfully.

She nodded, "They work with Marty, I'll be fine." she smiled and ushered them out.

Pete stopped as they were leaving, "Did Marty stay? You gonna need back up tonight?"

Jess smiled and nodded, "It will be good to have you on hand if he lets go. You're a good friend to him." she said warmly patting the man on the shoulder.

"He gets me. He knows what I go through when my PTSD kicks off and he doesn't blame me. He's a strong kid that. I will always be around to help when he needs me." Pete said staring pointedly at the two men. "You'd best mind ya manners with Jessie, you don't wanna be upsetting Marty or he'll whoop yo ass."

Sam smiled, "I think if he wasn't gonna jump me, I'd still win."

Pete laughed, "I'd pay money to see that fight...and I'd bet on the kid."

A tired voice came from behind them, "I'm not a kid Pete!" Deeks sighed.

Pete grinned, "When you get to my age everyone is a kid who's younger than me."

"I checked ya space Pete, you and Jack got the cot's in room 5, you're all squared away Sarge."

Pete nodded and he and Jack headed to the door. "Oh and Pete…?" Deeks started.

Pete stopped as Deeks smirked at him.

"I'll let you know when I kick Sam's ass, you can patch him up after."

Pete laughed, "I still have my medic kit kid, you just say where and when."

"Night Pete." Deeks smiled and threw a friendly wave at Jack as the two older men headed upstairs.

He walked into the kitchen and grabbed himself a coffee and winced as Jess took it off him.

"You sleep under my roof young man, you are not having any stimulants."

"I was going to go home," Deeks sighed.

Jessica raised an eyebrow at her boy. "And this is what?"

He slumped his shoulders, "This is home, a safe place and it always will be…" He said repeating the mantra he had been taught by her as a child. "But Ma...I need to sleep in my own bed, and you need to sleep in yours."

Jessica wrapped her arm around Deeks' shoulder. "You never spend  _this_  night alone, and I doubt those two are planning to keep an eye on you."

"Why does he need watching?" Sam snapped, "Deeks isn't a child."

Marty shook his embarrassed. "It's not a problem. You guys should head home."

Callen knew they were missing something.

"Deeks...what's going on?" He asked.

Deeks shook his head, "Nothing for you to worry about, I'll be fine and I'll see you at work in the morning." he waited ready to argue but Callen nodded.

"I will but you call if you need anything ok?" He handed Jessica a card, "Make sure he calls or you do if he needs anything."

Callen maneuvered Sam out of the building.

"G?" Sam snapped as the door shut behind them. "Why are we leaving?"

"Deeks has a problem and he isn't going to share it with us today, but I do want to find out what's going on. Talk to him tomorrow Sam, we'll explain where we were coming from and that the idea had been to give him more situational awareness training."

"Ok, but we will talk to him tomorrow."

Callen nodded as he thought about the call he would be having with Hetty later.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Hetty was already awake as the phone rang.

She had been expecting a call tonight after the events of the day, but she wasn't expecting the person on the other end.

"Mr. Deeks...I assume you need to talk." She said without looking at the caller id on her phone.

"It's not Deeks." Callen said.

Hetty admonished herself for assuming that it would be him, but didn't miss a beat. "Ah Mr. Callen...can't sleep?" she asked.

"When do I ever?" Hetty swore she could hear her Agent smirk down the phone.

"True, true, Mr. Callen...So tell me what is keeping both you, and by extension me, up at…." She looked at the clock, "Two a.m. in the morning."

"I've been thinking…" Callen said unsure how to tell her. "Something is wrong with Deeks… I mean he's not hurt or compromised, nothing like that." He added hastily.

"Mr. Deeks will be alright, he just needs some time to gather his...thoughts, together." Hetty advised.

"You know what is wrong with him don't you." It was not a question as Callen was certain that Hetty knew about whatever it was that was bothering Deeks.

"Tell me Mr. Callen, what makes you think there is something wrong with Mr. Deeks?" She asked.

Callen sighed and Hetty could almost see him leaning back in the chair in his barely furnished house.

"Mr. Callen?" She pushed in the same tone she had used on him as a teenager when he had first come to live with her and hadn't wanted to talk.

Callen sighed again, "I swear...we were doing it for his own good. His head wasn't in the game and we didn't want….we wanted him to…"

"Mr. Callen."

"Sam decided we should...test him...I mean we didn't want another Dom…" He let the implication hang in the air.

Hetty caught it and her gut clenched with worry.

"What. Did. You. Do?" She asked quietly punctuating each word.

"We followed him. He didn't notice, we could have been anyone and he went down an alley and Sam jumped him and…."

Hetty's sharp intake of breath halted his tirade.

"Is Mr. Hanna in hospital?" she asked worry dripping from her tone.

"Sam?" Callen sounded confused. "Sam's fine, Deeks is fine too, but there was a scuffle."

"Which I assume resulted in your broken nose."

Callen gingerly touched his face, "How?"

"You sound nasally Mr. Callen, and this is not the first time we have had a phone conversation and you've had a broken nose." she reminded him.

Callen smiled and winced.

"There are painkillers in your medicine cabinet." She told him.

"There are?" Callen sounded surprised.

"And there is healthy food in your refrigerator, you forgot to go shopping for food and you eat too much junk."

In spite of himself Callen smiled. He would never admit it but he loved it when she went all maternal on him. It was a nice reminder that someone cared for him. It sent his thoughts back to the blonde haired woman at the shelter.

"Do you know a Jessica Bates?"

Hetty smiled although Callen couldn't see.

"Jessica Bates is a remarkable woman, she runs the New Hope Shelter in Reseda."

"Is she Deeks' foster mother?" He asked.

"No." Hetty replied, "Mr. Deeks was only fostered out once, it didn't go very well for him."

Callen waited, hoping she would explain.

"It is not my story to tell Mr. Callen, perhaps if we could get Mr. Deeks and Ms, Bates to come to the boatshed tomorrow, Mr. Deeks might open up, although I do not think it will be an easy task. However I think for Mr. Deeks it may be a cathartic experience and a learning one for both you and Mr. Hanna." She replied.

She replaced the receiver on her phone and sighed, she would need to be in early and see if Eric could pull the footage down of the altercation in the alleyway. It was about time that Mr. Deeks asked for help. Maybe an intervention would be a good thing, not only for Deeks but for Sam as well.

She sighed as she looked over at the clock, 2.20am. There were rules in place for a reason and although her agents functioned best with a bit of leeway they needed to realize that respecting one another as agents was an important part of being a team.

* * *

It was still early as Deeks pulled up to the mission, the bags under his eyes testament to the fact he hadn't slept. Even Monty couldn't help him relax enough to sleep. The dog dutifully followed his master into the mission after fussing that morning to be able to go with him and Deeks too tired to argue with his dog, just allowed him to come along.

He was pleased that the others hadn't gotten there yet, he wasn't in the mood for the questions he knew would be coming from Sam and Callen, besides he still hadn't decided what he was going to do about their betrayal last night.

He sat at his desk for a moment and looked over at Kensi's desk, she hadn't been with them but did she know?

He thought back to the happier times he had had with the group. But a black cloud seemed to envelope his thoughts, memories of Sam, Kensi and Callen at times poking fun at him.

Sam's jibes about him being unprofessional and not wanting him to look after his kids. Kensi forgetting his birthday, and going out on a date with Jaime instead. Callen...his team leader...along with Sam making fun of the injuries he had received, just over a year ago by wearing false teeth and Sam throwing mechanical false teeth at him.

He should have taken the hint, he should have left then, but he brought into their lie that he was one of the team.

He wasn't and he knew it.

He was the comic relief.

He stood up, Monty following dutifully behind as he walked out to the gym, he knew there were a few empty offices back there and there should be a box big enough to put all his stuff in. As he walked past his eyes strayed to the box on the shelf. Kensi had given it to him, she told him it contained the one thing he always wanted. He had refused to open it as he knew it didn't contain the one thing he always wanted. That was his teammates trust and respect. You couldn't put that in a box.

He grabbed a box and headed back to the bullpen.

"So I called her, and she was expecting a call from Deeks." Callen's voice floated down the corridor.

Deeks pulled up, who was he talking about.

"Deeks calls Hetty?" Sam's voice was heard replying.

"Yeah."

"You think she knows what is going on with him. I mean he was totally out of line yesterday." Sam ranted.

Deeks nearly dropped the box in shock, they had attacked him and  _he_  was out of line?

"Sam." Callen started and he got cut off.

"G...Deeks attacked us, we were only teaching him to be aware of his surroundings. He should have apologised as soon as he found out it was us. I mean, he should know that we are going to keep him on his toes, his LAPD self defense just isn't going to cut it."

Deeks sighed, now he knew what to do.

Walking around the corner he dropped the box on the desk, reaching into his drawer to get a biscuit for Monty he started putting things in the box.

"Deeks…" Callen started.

Deeks took two letters out of his bag, he had written them last night but when he had entered this morning he hadn't thought he would need to use them.

"Agent Callen." Deeks handed him the letter and then, without a word, he walked to Hetty's office.

* * *

Hetty was sat at her desk and watched as Deeks with a pained look on his face came around the corner handed Callen an envelope and headed in her direction.

"Bugger." She swore.

"Mr. Deeks. Do not give me that right now, I have an assignment for you. We have a witness in the boatshed that needs protection."

"I can't Hetty, I need to do this…"

Hetty stood up and stepped back not wanting to touch the letter.

Deeks turned to go back to his desk.

"Very well...Mr. Callen would you and Mr. Hanna head to the boatshed, you need to question a Jessica Bates from the New Hope Shelter…." She stopped as Deeks whirled around.

"Jess? Is she ok? What happened?"

"NCIS business Mr. Deeks. I assume you'll be heading back to the LAPD now."

Deeks snatched the letter of Hetty's desk and ripped it up, "I haven't left Hetty, I need to go and see if she's alright."

Kensi walking into the building looked worried at Deeks' agitation. "Deeks, what's wrong."

"Witness boat-shed." He replied as he grabbed his bag and the dog and headed to the car.

* * *

Callen looked over at Hetty as Deeks left with Kensi hot on his heels, he walked over in her direction.

"I don't know what you are up to but are you sure this is a good idea?" He asked.

"Mr. Callen, either this will work and your partner will realize what I see in Mr. Deeks and both of them will be helped by this. Or we are in a lot of trouble."

Callen leaned against the post that held up the inner roof to her office.

"Oh bugger." He sighed and hoped to God she knew what she was was doing.

* * *

Kensi followed Deeks' car, he hadn't even stopped to wait for her.

He ran two red lights, nearly avoiding a collision which had Eric's heart in his throat as he watched the detective's journey to the boat-shed, relaying the information to Hetty and the others who were following more sedately behind.

He jumped out, remembering to let Monty out behind him.

" _MA_!" He called as he ran into the boat-shed.

He screeched to a halt as Jessica looked up at him from the main table. The Agent with her moved to let Deeks have some privacy.

"What happened? Hetty said you were a witness and needed protection….Are you hurt?" he asked looking at her to see if there were any signs of injury.

Jess smiled up at him.

"I'm fine, but Hetty's right there was an incident last night that needs to be addressed, I was a witness to some of it and offered to help."

"What happened?" Deeks sat next to her and held her hand.

"Someone I care about was hurt, he was in pain and needed help, but instead of helping he was attacked and he still needs help." She let a tear fall.

Deeks held her hand a bit tighter.

"It's ok Ma, I'll find him and we'll help. If anyone can help it's Hetty and the team. Who was it...Pete? Jack? someone new at the shelter, a kid?"

Jess shook her head as the others entered the boat-shed behind him.

"It was someone much more important to me."

Deeks looked confused as he tried to figure out who had been hurt.

"Who, just tell me. I'll keep you safe and we'll help whoever it is that needs it." he promised.

"It was you." Jess said simply.

* * *

Deeks dropped her hand and stood up, "Me? I'm not hurt, I'm fine?"

Hetty stood between him and the door.

"Mr. Deeks you are not fine, you were attacked, you attacked two federal agents. This needs to be resolved." Hetty told him.

Kensi's sharp intake of breath was all Marty needed to know that she hadn't been a part of yesterday's' attack.

"I tried to resolve it, you wouldn't let me." Deeks snapped.

Hetty smiled, "That. Mr. Deeks, was running away not solving the problem."

"There is no problem, just let me go…." Deeks started to pace as his fight or flight response kicked in.

"Marty...please, sweetie, let them help you." Jess pleaded.

Sam and Callen entered the boat-shed.

Deeks froze as Sam walked in the door. He shot a panicked look at Hetty.

He couldn't do this….

His hands started to get sweaty and his heart rate kicked up a notch and he started to pace.

His eyes darted around the room as he felt trapped, he needed air….He needed the ocean, a place to calm the turbulent waters of his soul. He couldn't talk about this, they couldn't know. They already thought he was second best on the team, if they knew how this was his fault...how she had died because he had broken his promise, he had let her down. They would never trust him again.

He grinned and held his arms wide, "You really didn't need to throw me a party, I mean it's not even my birthday." he quipped as he sidled closer to the door.

Sam knew that Deeks was to stay here, but he could see Deeks was trying to leave.

He reached out and touched him on the shoulder.

"Deeks wait!" he said.


	5. Chapter 5

"No…" Jess warned just a second too late.

Deeks felt the hand on his shoulder and within seconds twisted, locked his fists together and smashed Sam in the solar plexus winding him.

" _Don't touch me_!" Deeks growled.

Sam doubled over as Deeks rapidly backed away.

"I...I didn't ….I…" Deeks looked horrified that here, in the boat-shed of all places he had hit a teammate. "Sam I…" he backed away as they all looked at him worried.

"Deeks...Stop." Sam straightened up and moved towards him.

Deeks backed himself into a corner, his mind mixing flashbacks of his father with images of Sam.

He dropped to the floor covering his head.

"Mr. Deeks." Hetty's voice cut through the chaos in his mind.

"Hetty?" Deeks' voice was smaller, scared even. A part of Deeks cringed, this was something he had never hoped they would see.

"Why couldn't you just leave it alone." he cried, his shoulders shaking as he silently sobbed and turned his face away in shame.

"Deeks we want to help you." Kensi said softly trying to touch him but pulling her hand away as he flinched at her touch.

"We need to call Pete." Jess said to Hetty writing a number down. "He trusts Pete."

Hetty nodded, "Mr. Beale, call this number and have someone pick up Mr…?" She looked at Jess for confirmation of Pete's surname.

"Just Pete...or Sarge, tell him the kid needs him." Jess said to Hetty.

Deeks stood up, knowing that all his exits were blocked, he headed for the bathroom covering his acute need to be alone.

Kensi stood up to follow, but Callen stopped her. "Let him have his space Kens, beside we need to talk. All of us."

He moved to the large table and sat down, the others following suit.

"What set this off?" Kensi asked.

"Sam and I did." Callen admitted.

Kensi's eyes widened, "I thought you had changed your mind? Deeks was off, I told you that...What the hell did you do to him to leave him in that state?" she ranted.

"We followed him, I was worried after his run in the other day that he would be leaving himself vulnerable to attack, I mean he knows some moves, but not enough to defend himself or us against a surprise attack. I didn't want him to become another Dom." Sam said to a hushed table.

Jess shook her head, "I thought you worked with him, you knew him. How on earth did you think that jumping him, in that alley of all places was going to help?"

"It's just an alley. Deeks needs to be prepared for anything." Sam argued.

Jess wiped a tear of frustration that leaked from her eyes, "He hasn't told you?" She suddenly realized.

Sam turned and looked at her, "Told us what? He shouldn't keep secrets from his team."

Jess stood up and thumped her hands down in anger on the table.

"You call yourselves his friends. My God if he has friends like you I would hate to see his enemies."

"We were doing it for his own good. He needs to toughen up, not be so flippant all the time, every time he turns things into a joke. He needs to take self awareness and self defense seriously."

Jess' face darkened.

"He takes self defense deadly seriously." She said, "He's been an expert in that his whole life."

* * *

Deeks locked the door to the bathroom and sank to his knees his arms over his head.

This wasn't supposed to happen, he was supposed to keep this hidden, never tell, never show weakness.

It had worked fine so far, he would take this week off knowing that he was more vulnerable this week than any other.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!" he admonished himself. "I need to get out of here."

He stood up and started pacing, "I need air." he ran some water in the sink and washed his face trying to cool down.

Catching sight of his reflection in the mirror he saw the angry face of his father staring back at him.

"They are going to know what you did, you disobeyed me boy, you got her killed...you killed the baby it was your fault."

Deeks curled up his fist and punched the mirror with a resounding crack a spiderweb of lines emanating from the epicenter that was his fist, small trickles of blood came dripping down the broken mirror to form a grotesque art form in the porcelain sink below. He stared at the flowing blood, unwilling to stop it as it was payment for the life he stole.

If he had been better behaved his father wouldn't have gotten mad at him and if he hadn't run his mother wouldn't have had to protect him and she and his unborn baby sister wouldn't have died.

Even though he knew better, the thoughts wouldn't stop he hadn't had the time to work through the demons he had known were coming and put them away.

He felt trapped and he didn't like it.

The way he saw it he had two choices, he could face them, let them know what he was thinking and feeling or he could go out fighting.

He laughed to himself, the idea of trusting them enough was laughable. They had followed him, attacked him, in  _his_  alley. Leaning forward putting his head on his knees he let a few tears fall at the betrayal he felt. He had nearly lost all his sanity a year ago fighting to keep Sam and Michelle safe and this was how Sam treated him.

His fists balled up in anger as he thought about the pain he had gone through protecting Sam and Michelle.

Standing up he looked in the mirror, seeing more his father than himself he was furious and the blood pounded through his head.

"SAM!" He yelled as he slammed open the door to the bathroom making the whole boathouse shake. He stormed into the main room ignoring the others and a part of him was wishing he hadn't left his gun in his bag having taken it off earlier to give back with his resignation letter.

* * *

Pete had just walked in the door and was being introduced to Hetty and the others as the building shook.

"SAM!" Deeks snarled as he came barreling out of the bathroom and headed at full pelt towards the man.

Pete stepped in front of Sam and grabbed Deeks wrestling him to the ground in a choke-hold.

" _ **Getoffme…**_ " Deeks snarled wriggling and fighting the hold.

"It's ok kid, I got ya...you're safe." Pete said calmly.

"No… 's not fair...Sam...he...the alley...hurt her...they...they want me to...not gonna tell.." Deeks gasped as he slowly calmed down.

"Deeks, it's ok, no one is going to hurt you." Callen said crouching down to Deeks' eye level.

Deeks struggled even more.

"I trusted you…" he looked away. "All I wanted was to be trusted. I tried…."

Pete rocked him, "You're safe with these people kid."

"No...I'm not safe, they hurt me."

"Deeks I made a mistake, I'm sorry." Sam said stepping into his sightline.

Deeks squirmed moving closer to Pete.

"I can't breathe…" he gasped.

Pete nodded knowing what he needed. "Come on kid."

He stood up and held his hand out, "You're not gonna be alone, but you can come with me."

He stood between Deeks and the others. "Give us a few hours. The kid needs space and air and water." He grinned at the last one knowing Deeks as well as he did.

Kensi understanding her partner's need for the ocean nodded. "Go...but come back when he's ready." She turned to Deeks, "Let us be there for you Marty, we won't judge you, we want to help. To understand what we did wrong and to be there to fix it."

Deeks wouldn't look her in the eye. How could he tell her that they weren't wrong he was and they couldn't fix him as he was broken beyond repair.

* * *

An hour later found him sitting on the beach as Monty ran up to the waves barking, grabbing his ball and running back to his master and Pete sitting silently in the sand.

"You need to talk to them." Pete said

Deeks looked away, "Why?" he asked.

"Do you remember when that Lange woman offered you the job at NCIS." He waited and when Deeks didn't reply he continued. "You came running into the shelter, happy you had been picked for the liaison position by someone who knew about your background and knew that despite the horrors you had seen, that you would be an asset to the team. You would have people who respected you and whom you could respect...Do you remember?" he asked again.

Deeks nodded, he had been so happy having worked with the team once or twice, they had been there for him when Jess Traynor was murdered, Hetty herself offering him a safe place away from the shelter to rest up. She had known, (God only knew how) about his PTSD, she had said it wouldn't matter. She had argued with his boss about him being assigned the position at NCIS and had won.

Deeks had been thrilled that someone cared enough to fight for him.

As if he was listening into his thoughts Pete spoke, "They care about you kid, people do care."

"They don't know me." Deeks mumbled.

Pete smiled. "Let them in, let them know you. The you your Ma and the rest of us know."

Deeks shook his head, "They find out how broken I am and they won't want to be near me anymore. I betrayed them. I should have watched my back like Sam said. I should have been stronger so they wouldn't have had to…"

"Stop!" Pete yelled so loudly that a few startled seagulls took off and flew away.

"What happened to you wasn't your fault, we have been over this. Your team don't know what happened to you and they can't help you until you let them in. I promise kid, both your Ma and me will be there. If they don't back you I personally will help you fight your way out of there and you'll never go back." He watched as he saw Marty smirking at the idea of Pete and him fighting back to back to escape the boat-shed.

"Give yourself a chance kid, you deserve it."

Marty nodded and standing up helped the older man get to his feet.

"You ready to go kid?" Pete asked him.

Deeks nodded, "Yeah...but I still want a piece of Sam."

 


	6. Chapter 6

Pete walked in first, Deeks hadn't said anything the whole walk back.

"Marty how are you?" Jess said standing up as her boy walked in the room.

"I'm fine ma." Deeks snapped.

"Did you and Pete talk?" Kensi asked.

Deeks looked at Pete annoyed, he really didn't want to do this.

"What I have to do this now? In front of an audience?" He snapped.

"It's not an audience," Jess said gently, "It's people who care about you and want to help."

Deeks glared at Sam, "Yeah right."

"Deeks we didn't know, it was not meant to hurt you but to help you. You were nearly hurt in that fight the other day, we didn't want to lose you like Dom."

"I can defend myself, you don't believe me?" Deeks squared up to Sam, "Do you wanna take me on...any of you….you think you are man enough. I've had better men than you try and take me on...come on!" his voice rose to a shout.

"No one wants to fight you Mr. Deeks. They just want to understand."

"Understand what?!" He snapped. "What do they need to understand...I'll tell you what they need to understand...They betrayed me, they followed me, they attacked me...they are just as bad as…" He turned. "They don't trust me."

"We do trust you Deeks." Sam said, "I owe you for what you did for Michelle and myself."  
" _THEN WHY DO THAT_!" Deeks shouted.

"You were holding back in the fight, you could have gotten yourself or Kensi hurt."

Deeks shot a horrified look at the woman he loved. "I would never let Kensi be hurt."

He backed away from Sam. "I can defend myself, yeah I held back...I had to...I'm not...not him. But I never let Kensi get hurt, or you guys."

"We were just worried, I mean we care, you are a part of the team."

"No...no I'm not. I'm just the cop, the comic relief that you all laugh about, remember…. _The Temp_?"

Callen looked at Sam guiltily remembering the conversation on Deeks' first day as liaison.

"It wasn't meant to mean anything Deeks, like you said, 'Cops love nicknames it makes them feel wanted.'

Deeks shook his head, "Yeah because on your first day in a new job you want all your team members to think you aren't good enough to pull it off."

"We have never thought that." Kensi argued.

"Yes you have, my case with Traynor… you thought I was weak then...Stupid cop, fell for his partner and couldn't protect her, I know that's what you think now...with Kensi."

"Sit down please Mr. Deeks." Hetty said as she gestured to a chair with a cup of tea in front of it.

Reluctantly he sat, chancing a glance at the faces of the others in the room.

All he saw staring back at him was love from Jess, Pete and Kensi. Care and concern from Hetty, Callen and Sam. Feeling ashamed he dropped his head back down.

"You need to talk to us, tell us what you are feeling?" Hetty asked.

* * *

Deeks looked over at Pete and Jess sitting together, they had been his rock for many years.

Jess taking him into the shelter and ' _not_ ' fostering him, but allowing him to  _live_  there and be close to where he had promised he would be.

Pete understood the look of panic that Deeks shot him.

"He's uncomfortable talking to anyone about this, but we talked and he said he would explain." Pete placed a supportive hand on Deeks' shoulder.

Deeks took a deep breath.

"When I was shot, you had a suspect list. One of the names on there was Gordon John Brandel. He was my father."

"I remember, you said you shot him when you were about 21 at a thanksgiving dinner?" Kensi said.

"I lied." Deeks admitted.

"You didn't shoot your father?" Sam asked.

Deeks gave a cold laugh. "Oh I shot him alright. Only it was a while before that. I was eleven and after i shot him he punished me by killing my mother and unborn sister."

Even Jess gasped at that revelation, she hadn't know.

"Marty!"

He looked ashamed and stood up pacing the length of the room.

" _SEE!_ " He exclaimed turning to Jess. "I knew if you knew you would regret helping me."

Within a second she had crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him.

"I don't ever regret anything, except maybe you not allowing me to adopt you. Marty I am as proud of you as your mother was."

Deeks pulled away, "No...I got her killed it was my fault, If I hadn't run...If I had just stayed there…"

"Then you'd be dead kid." Pete interjected, " We've talked about this before. You can't go living your life on should'da, could'da, would'da's."

"I failed, her I didn't fight hard enough." Deeks mumbled as Pete held him tight, steadying the conflicting emotions that were running around in Deeks' head.

"You were  _eleven -years -old_ , you should have been playing ball and riding bikes, not fighting for your life. How you lived like that and didn't grow up the carbon copy of your father I'll never know." Sam said trying to appease the detective.

Marty turned away and walked to the canoes hanging like bright ornaments on the wall.

"I did…" He said so softly his words were almost imperceptible.

"Deeks?" Kensi asked.

"You remember Max...Max who was Ray's best friend, Max who went out with Nicole... _that Max_ , that Alias? He isn't an Alias at all, he is me. Deeks is my Alias, Deeks is the man I wanted my mom to be proud of. Max is the me I try to hide." He paced up and down the corridor.

"Max was an alias, you said so." Kensi asked confused.

"I am more Max than Marty, especially this time of year. I find Max easier to be. Max fights, Max defends himself, Max doesn't fail…"

"Who did you fail Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked, "Your mother and sister?"

Deeks glared at her. "Yes!" he exclaimed wishing she would let him go now.

"No...no Deeks, you were a child, you didn't need to witness that or to have it happen to you."

"Didn't need it but I got it, I made a promise to my mother, that I would stay close, the stupid policemen took me away to a foster home. I couldn't stay so I left and went back to where I had to wait. But she never came back. I always wondered if I had stayed, would she have lived. Would I have been a good big brother?"

"You would have been great." Kensi stated.

For the first time in a long while they saw a genuine smile. "I really could have been." He agreed.

Jess motioned Deeks to leave the room with her, she walked down to her boy, "Come make me a decent cup of tea child." she said giving Pete the nod to go on as they left the room.

* * *

"There are some things that Jess wants to make sure you know about Deeks." Pete said.

"Will it help?" Callen asked.

"I think so," Pete replied. "It's just about how he was, when we first found him."

He looked over at Hetty, who nodded. "I do believe it is about time. I do not think Mr. Deeks can keep this to himself any longer."

Pete sat back, "I noticed him first, he came in with a family I knew acting as if he was with them." Pete gave a small laugh, "He was a small kid for his age, he was skinny and looked half starved. He had a freshly sutured cut under his left eye and some fresh and some old bruising visible."

He waited as the people around the table had different reactions to that information. Kensi was horrified, Sam was angry and Callen just had a look of acceptance. Pete noted all those reactions and continued.

"We thought he was maybe with another family, he came in most nights with different families and was assigned to the family room to sleep. Most nights we would find him alone in a closet with a blanket, or in a secluded corner of the large rooms. But never with the family he had come in with. I followed him a few times but lost him. Then one night he was turned away as he came on his own. Jess followed him two blocks to an alleyway. She watched as he knelt where a few month ago a woman had been murdered."

Pete pulled a newspaper clipping out of his back pocket, It had a picture of a terrified blonde headed boy kneeling by the body of a woman looking lost and alone. The headline read; Local woman slain by husband. They looked shocked at the picture."

"Is...is that Deeks?" Kensi asked.

Pete nodded.

"Child welfare took him in and had him fostered with a nice family in Santa Clara, he was there for two days before he ran away. According to his social worker at the time he kept disappearing from each home he was placed in, but he turned up at the shelter each time he went missing. Jess had a word with his social worker and managed to foster him. But Marty refused to be fostered so Jess made a deal with him. He would stay at the shelter and go to school, in return he would earn his room and board by raising a puppy and getting good grade. We promised he would not be moved from the shelter and he kept his promise."

"Why would Deeks refuse to be fostered?" Sam asked.

"He probably got bad placements." Callen assumed.

Pete shook his head, "The placements he had were great."

Callen let out a scoff he couldn't keep inside.

Pete nodded, "Foster kid?" he asked.

"Once or twice." Callen replied.

"Well Jess went to see all of Marty's placements, she wanted to know what went wrong with them. She found nothing, it was just that Marty kept insisting that each placement was too far."

"Too far?" Kensi asked.

Pete let out a sigh, "When Marty's mother died, she had told him to stay close by, made him promise and he wouldn't break his last promise to her."

Kensi wiped away a tear at the thought of her partner keeping a promise like that.

"The thing is, people assume he had it easy and he didn't. He refused to take anything from anyone he hadn't earned. He worked his way through school and despite a few pitfalls, he was a well behaved kid."

"What about Max?" Sam asked remembering what Deeks had said about him being like Max.

"Max...Max appeared when Marty was about 12. He would get into fights and say Max did it, he wouldn't take responsibility for the fights even when we saw him have them. He would go off for days being mean and moody, at first we thought it was just a teenage thing. However Marty would be really mad for days. It took a year before we found out his father was getting to him from prison and Marty was taking one day a month, skipping school and being taken by friends of his father to the prison to see him. Martin had been the name his mother called him, Max was what his father said he should be, he would warp the kids memory of his mother and fighting was the only way that Marty could express himself. Jess and I...put a stop to it, Brandel's friends never approached Marty after we found out, but he was so ashamed about how he had reacted that he promised he would never be Max again."

"But he has Max Gentry as an alias."

"He was working on a case and a kid who knew him as Max pulled him in as a contact who could help them, so Max was reborn. Max was tough and no one in the neighborhood messed with him."

The others nodded, they had all seen the Max alias and he was tough.

"The thing is, Max is Marty's biggest fear, he is what his father told him he should be...what he is afraid he will become. When he fought you in the alley Sam, he held back. He has to hold back, when he doesn't he's at risk of being more Max than Marty."

"But if he went through all of that and he still became a lawyer?"

"He wanted to help to give back to other kids, he worked his way through law school, but after realizing that he was helping kids after they had been hurt he decided to follow in the footsteps of Jessica's brother. He's a cop."

 


	7. Chapter 7

Deeks made Jess a cup of tea and walked out to look at the ocean.

The water had always calmed him and he felt better just watching the waves lap back and forth, to him the sea reminded him of himself. Untameable, changeable and wild. It gave him a sense of control over himself and his destiny.

He had been 13 when Pete had introduced him to surfing. The idea of being out there on a board taming and moving freely on a wave, had, the first time he'd tried, filled him to the brim with tears of joy.

He had sat on his board after riding his first wave, his back to Pete, tears spilling down his face and mixing with the salt water around him. Feeling safe, whole and free for the first time in his life...he never wanted that feeling to end.

Mostly it hadn't, with both Jess, Pete and the others at the shelter all taking an interest in their youngest permanent resident Martin Brandel had thrived.

There had been hiccups along the way of course, his father trying to manipulate him from prison, his temper flare ups, which with the help of Pete teaching him to surf became fewer and further between them.

With the help of his mismatched family, he had found himself. Jess had hoped that he had knocked all his demons on the head, but each year he had taken a week.

The one day that haunted his dreams still came back to hurt him. She was prepared, always making space at the shelter for him as soon as word reached her that he was back in town.

They never talked about what he did that day, but after the first few years word got around that if Martin Brandel was in town it was a good idea to steer clear.

Occasionally he would turn up at the shelter with a split lip or bloody knuckles, he would grab the first aid kit and patch himself up. Be given a cup of tea and a listening ear from Jess and Pete and would crash in his room.

After the first few times, Marty had managed to convince Pete to not let Jess come into his room when he was screaming. He had confided some of what had happened to him before his mother died, but as he woke up his fist flying trying to protect himself on those occasions they convinced her that having Pete nearby to help with his flashbacks was a far better option.

* * *

Two years passed until the first time Marty had called Jess 'Ma.' He had just been told he was going to be a valedictorian for his years' graduating class and he had come running into the shelter holding the letter proudly in his hand. Grinning he had called for her and calling her Ma she had turned on instinct. It wasn't until after he had explained that he would do extra shifts in the corner store to make enough money for his graduation gown so he could stand up with everyone else that he shyly asked if she and Pete would be there as they had allocated him tickets for his family.

She and Pete had beamed as he had sat there nervously awaiting her answer.

"Please Ma?" he asked.

Jess had burst into tears and wrapped her arms around him. "We would be glad to be there for you son." She had replied.

He had jumped up whooping and run for the door. "I gotta tell Ray. He's gonna be stoked!" he exclaimed and ran out of the building.

Jess had stood there, tears streaming down her face realizing even though he still would not let himself be formally fostered or adopted, he had at least accepted her as a part of his life.

Now she was leaning on the doorframe of the boat-shed, watching her boy as he worked through the idea of letting his new family in.

"Do you think they will hate me?" Deeks asked as he continued to stare at the water. "I know they're all in there judging me, thinking I'm too weak to be on the team."

"Nonsense," Jess retorted, "No one is thinking anything of the sort."

"You don't know them Ma, Kensi is tough, amazing, smart and beautiful. Sam is a hard as nails ex-SEAL and Callen is a legend in his own right and they are _ALL_  Federal Agents, I'm just a cop, I am the replaceable member of the team, the new guy, the nobody."

"Martin Deeks, you stop that right now, you are not a nobody, how many NCIS/LAPD liaison's are there?" She asked.

Deeks turned away, "One." He mumbled.

Jess smiled.

"And how many Federal Agents are there?" she asked.

"I don't know…" He shrugged, "Maybe hundreds?"

She smirked and carried on, "Well...maybe you are a bit more irreplaceable than you think you are."

He shrugged again, some part of him knew as always that she was right, but he didn't want to believe it.

* * *

"She's right you know." Sam's voice came as he walked out behind Jess. "You are irreplaceable, you do belong with us."

For a second Deeks' hands balled into fists.

"You mean that, or do you feel guilty because you found out how messed up I really am?" Deeks snapped, "I'm sure Pete filled you in on the colorful chapters of my childhood."

"He told us. It was not your fault." Sam assured him.

"Damn right it wasn't." Deeks turned away as he felt anger rising, "You could have taken the time to know me, to find out...I knew about you, and your wife and kids, I knew about Kensi and I even took the time to find out as much as I could about Callen, you guys were my team, I knew as much as I could to protect you. None of you took the time to get to know me, I was just the cop assigned to the team."

Sam looked and realized that Jess had gone back inside to give them some privacy.

"I was wrong Deeks, will you forgive me and allow me to help you?"

"I don't need your help, I don't need anyone's help. I've been handling this alone for years, I'll continue to handle it alone."

"You don't need to man. Talk to Nate, Me, Hetty...anyone. You can't keep it bottled inside, you need to talk to someone."

"Why?" Deeks snapped, "So I can be the weak link on the team?"

"No, so you can be the strong link that keeps us working well with LAPD. So you can be the guy Kensi is in love with, and the guy who keeps us on our toes, respecting the environment and making our lives seem not as bad as they could be with all the bad we have to encounter. We want you to deal with this, we want to help, will you let us?" Sam asked waiting to see what Deeks would do.

Deeks stared at the water. Should he go back in, would he be deemed as a weak person if he took them up on their offer?

He had always provided for himself, dealt with his own problems, could he trust the team to actually have his back and help him without being hurt?

More than anything he wanted the nightmares to stop. He wanted to make it a whole year without having to basically run away, his whole world crumbling as he coped with the memories that would assail him. He just wanted it to stop.

He wished that he could go back to where no one knew about his weakness.

"I can't go back, can I?" he asked. "Back to before, before you all knew?"

Sam shook his head, "Nope. But if you want, we can move on. We made a mistake...I made a mistake Deeks and I'm sorry, but I had your best interests at heart. I didn't want you to be venerable like Dom was, Kensi can't lose another partner again. We can't lose you and we want to help you...Let us please?" he asked.

Deeks choked up, they had actually wanted him wanted to help him.

He looked past Sam where Jess was standing waiting to see what he would do.

She smiled as Deeks nodded.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Jess walked back into the main room of the boatshed and Pete lifted his head.

"Our boy ok?" He asked.

She nodded, "He's talking with Sam, I think he's going to trust us." She took the empty chair next to Hetty and took a proffered cup. "Thank you."

Hetty smiled. "Mr. Deeks is a valuable asset to our team. I had hoped after all this time his team would have been let in enough that he would have worked through this. I certainly didn't expect the team to track him down and try to 'train' him."

"...Yeah… About that…" Deeks interjected as he walked into the room with Sam behind him, "I still owe you one for that."

Sam nodded, "And when you are ready I intend to collect."

Feeling some of the anger, and the need to prove himself rearing up again he stopped dead and turned.

"Well I promised Pete he could patch you up afterwards, so what do you say to right now in the mission at the gym." Deeks turned to Hetty, "We can let Ma and Pete know where it is can't we?"

"I have run a background check on Pete and Jess." Hetty smiled at the woman, "Do not worry all your secrets are safe with me…" she said quietly so only Jess could hear. "They both pass and of course they may come and see where you work and watch you train." Hetty hoped that by allowing this, Deeks' work Family interacting with his out of work family, that a greater bond might be formed between them.

Hopefully this would be an important step in Deeks' recovery.

Deeks shot a querying look at Jess at the cryptic remark Hetty had imparted. But Jess said nothing.

"I think if we all split up, we should be able to make good time to the office don't you. Ms Bates, I wonder if you would like to accompany me, Pete you may go with Ms. Blye and Mr. Deeks and Mr. Hanna and Mr. Callen may take their own car." Hetty said as she stood. Jess at not much taller than Nell (Although twice as fiery) moved to follow as Hetty turned and handed her a scarf from her purse. "I bought the cobra, you may need to wrap your hair my dear." she advised as she gave the accessory to the younger woman.

The others looked on enviously as the two women exited the building.

* * *

Jess grinned as she saw the silver Shelby Cobra. " _This_...this is your car?" She asked amazed.

Hetty smiled, "A gift….from Carroll, he was a lovely man." she sighed and climbed in as Jess got in the passenger seat and did up her seat.

They drove in a companionable silence both enjoying the experience of the drive.

Hetty pulled over for a moment, on a bluff overlooking the ocean and turned off the engine.

"He doesn't know does he?" She asked Jess.

Jess shook her head. "I don't know how he never made the connection. Roger and I don't talk very often, not since the divorce."

"But you called him to watch over Mr. Deeks?" She asked.

"How could I not, he had decided not to be a lawyer anymore and wanted to follow my brother Greg into law enforcement. He wouldn't take a posting anywhere but Los Angeles and with Roger working his way up the ladder I knew he would keep an eye on him."

"Did Mr. Deeks wonder why your brother had a different surname to you?" Hetty asked genuinely curious.

Jess shook her head, "He only met Greg twice before he died, he had made a huge impression on him. I was scared after Greg was shot that the same thing would happen to Marty, especially as he went for undercover work. So I called Roger, told him who Marty was to me and asked him to keep an eye on him. Unfortunately Roger's old partner, Jack Scarletti kept giving Marty a hard time but he never told him that Roger was my ex-husband. He did, I think tell a few people as Marty isn't well liked at LAPD. But Roger with his position manages to keep the worst away from him."

Hetty smiled. "You love him like a mother don't you?"

Jess nodded, "If I was his mother, by proxy; then Roger is his father even though he doesn't know it. The only thing we have ever agreed on is Marty's welfare."

"That's good to know, now Ms. Bates, we should head back to the office, I for one look forward to seeing what Mr. Hanna and Mr. Deeks have planned."

* * *

Making good time, but allowing for Deeks to stop and get doughnuts and coffee for everyone. Well mostly Kensi… Last in the line Deeks, Kensi and Pete, with Monty asleep next to him pulled up outside the old water administration building.

"Wow...they allow this place to keep functioning. I heard it got condemned in the last big quake?" Pete inquired as he looked at the old building and the large structural, (Cosmetic) crack that was on the side of the wall.

"All for show Pete, follow us… you're going to love it." Deeks grinned as he opened the doors.

Like all newcomers to the building and Jess not just ten minutes earlier, Pete gazed in awe at the bustling and well maintained interior that was so in opposite to the outside of the building that the comparison was staggering. Well it was in his opinion as he had just after the quake that had had the building condemned, slept in the then empty shell of the Los Angeles Water Administration Building.

"WOW!" He exclaimed, "I slept here just after it was abandoned. It looked nothing like this."

"You did?" Deeks asked.

Pete grinned, "Yeah got in through the basement, slept around the corner here…" They walked around the corner and Pete pointed to where Deeks' desk was. "Right there, the perfect spot."

If they had thought it impossible, they would have been wrong as Deeks' smile grew slowly wider, "That's my desk Pete."

"Figured as much," Pete replied looking at the environmentally friendly pamphlets on his desk.

Hetty and Jess walked over to join them as they entered.

"So it looks better than the last time you were here then?" Hetty asked.

Pete looked surprised, "How did you know?!" He asked knowing that both women hadn't been in earshot when he had told the team.

"Pete." She said using his given name, "Do you not think I wouldn't know who the last tenant of the building I was going to use as a government office was? I had my people check you out, in fact it was you who led me to Mr. Deeks here. I have you to thank for that."

Pete smiled, he was amazed how this small woman could disarm all his walls with just a word. "You're welcome." He replied.

Sam walked into the bullpen and threw a pair of gloves in Deeks' direction. He caught them deftly, "You sure you wanna do this?" Deeks asked.

Nodding Sam warned. "I know you say you can beat me, but honestly I don't know. I mean I've had training."

Deeks dropped his bag by his desk and pulled on the gloves.

"One on one, no holds barred fight?" Deeks asked for clarification.

Sam gave a curt nod. "Bring it baby." he quipped.

Pete chuckled, "Go get him kid." he urged.

Deeks grinned and headed off to the gym after Sam.

* * *

Callen and Kensi were already sitting on the edge of the ring, a blinking light on the security camera was testament to the fact that Eric and Nell were watching in Ops as Sam and Deeks walked in with Hetty, Jess and Pete carrying a medkit entered behind him.

"You ready for this?" Pete asked Sam.

Sam laughed and shot a smug look towards Callen, "You told Nell to get an ambulance on speed dial, Deeks is gonna need it."

Pete and Jess laughed.

'This was going to be good.' Hetty thought. "Mr. Deeks." she called as he was climbing into the ring.

"Yeah?" Deeks' voice was muffled as he put his gum shield in.

"You have my permission to not hold back." she smiled and walked over to Callen and tapped him on the back. "I'll put twenty on Mr. Deeks." she smiled.

"Sorry what?" Callen feigned innocence knowing that Hetty could see right through him, she had always been able to do that.

"The pool you and Mr. Beale have running, put me down for twenty on Mr. Deeks." She informed him.

Callen nodded and gave a glance at the camera knowing that in Ops, Eric would probably be shaking in his boots by now.

"OK, Best of three rounds or knock out, whichever happens first." Callen said as the two approached each other in the ring.

They nodded and touched gloves before backing off.

"Ding ding ding!" A bell sounded over the tannoy and Callen sent a 'Thanks Eric' Text message as the fight started.

* * *

Sam and Deeks circled each other, both looking for an opening.

Sam saw one first as Deeks stepped back.

He moved in, his fist moving towards Deeks' face to be met with….air…

Deeks had sidestepped neatly, sweeping his leg and knocking Sam off his feet.

"Oof!" Sam groaned as the air escaped his lungs.

Deeks hopped from one foot to the other shaking the sweat from his head with a grin.

"Come on Sam!" Callen called encouraging his partner.

"Way to go Deeks!" Kensi said encouraging hers. "See my guy's gonna take your guy!" she grinned.

"That all ya got boy." Sam taunted.

"Shit!" Pete swore as Deeks' face changed.

He whirled as Sam's words ran around in his brain, the voice changing from his friend to his father.

Deeks swung high and knocked Sam to the ground, the punches going fast and furious.

He kicked his leg around the back of Sam's knee, bringing him down to the ground with a sickening crunch, as Pete tried to climb into the ring.

"Let them fight!" Kensi grinned as Deeks took the upper hand.

"No…" Pete snapped, "You have to stop the fight." he said as Deeks straddled Sam punching him over and over again.

Pete moved behind Deeks and wrapped his arm around his neck in a sleeper hold.

"It's ok Kid, Sam didn't know...stop, stop...Marty, Kid...it's not him...stop."

Finally Deeks slumped to the ground as Sam pulled himself out from under the dead weight that was Deeks.

"What the hell?!" Sam grabbed a towel from Callen and wiped the blood from his face, a bruise already forming on his cheek.

"PTSD, you called him boy… I saw his face change as he had a flashback, it wasn't you he was fighting then it was his father."

"Where did he get those moves from?" Sam was amazed, this was harder than the fight where he had first met Deeks.

"His father." Pete said, watching over his prone friends body.

"Damn, he's gonna be annoyed when he wakes up." Jess cursed.

Callen smirked, "Yeah but a whole lot richer, because damn Sam, Deeks kicked your ass."

 


	9. Chapter 9

Voices murmuring in the background invaded the fuzz that passed for his brain at that moment.

His first thought was that maybe Sam had gotten the drop on him.

Maybe the unthinkable, well in his opinion but not Sam's was it unthinkable, had happened. Maybe Sam had won the fight.

The Fight!

It came back to him slowly, the moves, the way he had known from the moves he had drummed into his body until they were instinct. He knew that he could beat Sam.

Then it hit him, half way through the fight something had happened, he had lost focus and for a moment Sam had morphed right in front of his eyes into his father.

Deeks swung his legs off the side of the cot with a quiet groan and sat with his head in his hands.

A ripple of fear ran through him, had he hurt Sam?

He got up and walked to the door of the men's locker room.

The murmur of voices got louder.

"You had your ass handed to you Sam, you can't deny it." Eric's excited voice rose above the hubbub as he took a handful of winnings from Callen.

"You bet against me too?" Sam sounded pained.

"Sure, did you ever see Deeks' footage from his practice fights at the MMA Gym. He's a brilliant fighter." Eric's enthusiasm was infectious and behind the closed door even Deeks couldn't contain his smile.

"So…" Pete's voice cut in, "Apart from a few bruises, one cracked rib and a very sore stomach, you are going to be ok."

"Ouch...hey...careful!" Sam exclaimed as Callen poked his rib.

"Not so tough are you." The mirth in Callen's voice was evident for all to hear.

"It was a lucky punch." Sam protested.

"Ha...more like fifteen or twenty, face it Sam, you took him on and he gave you a severe beat down. You're lucky he didn't kill you."

Deeks' gaze dropped in shame to the ground. He could remember what he had done, but he had lost control and Sam had been hurt again by him.

He moved away from the door. He was a monster, like his father.

He had meant to show Sam some of the moves he knew, maybe earn his respect. He didn't know why but out of everyone on the team it meant a lot to him to have Sam's respect.

Beating Sam was not the way to earn his respect and he knew it.

* * *

The door opened a crack and Pete stuck his head in, "So kid, you gonna sit there and mope or are you gonna come out and face us."

Deeks turned his back on him.

"I can't, I hurt him...didn't I?" he asked.

"It's not to bad...I saw you get triggered and got to you in time."

Deeks rubbed his neck where Pete had placed his choke hold on him and winced.

"Lemme see?" Pete asked concerned.

Deeks shook his head, "It's ok, my own fault really…" he turned away.

"Let me see Marty." Pete pushed.

Deeks flinched as Pete's hand landed gently on his shoulder, "It's just me kid, let me look."

Deeks nodded and moved to let Pete examine him, he knew from past experience that fighting him only delayed the inevitable.

"It's not so bad," he let out a small smile, "Not like last time, maybe I didn't fight so much this time."

Pete grinned back, "Nope, you were great kid. This is not your fault, you know you can't be blamed for it don't you?"

"I can't?" Deeks' smile dropped. "I lost focus and control...it isn't like that can be blamed on anyone else now is it?"

Pete sighed, "Of course it can't...but what I mean is it wasn't deliberate. You didn't mean to lose it."

"Pete, Do you think that's what Sam meant, that if I lost focus in the field that I would become a liability, like Dom?"

"Whose Dom?" Pete asked.

Deeks shrugged, "The guy before me, they don't talk about him much, but what I did manage to get from Kensi was that he died and there was a lot of guilt with them for that."

"And how is that your fault?" Pete asked.

Deeks shrugged, "It isn't my fault but I think Sam especially seems to carry a lot of guilt about not being able to get help for him."

"Marty you are your own person, you are not responsible for what happened to this Dom guy and you have enough baggage of your own to deal with without having to carry other people's burdens around with you."

Deeks winced as Pete applied some salve on his neck.

"Ow!...Ok."

Pete looked at him, even though years had passed since he had first met him, he could still see the guilt ridden child sitting in front of him, the barely disguised pain hidden behind his eyes as obvious to him now as it was then. There was no way he was going to let this continue.

"Sit there." he ordered and he headed for the door, his hand reached for the door handle and he turned back to the tired detective who was sitting, head in hands on the bench. "...And don't move!"

Deeks looked up for a second, gave a small nod and resumed his world weary position.

* * *

Walking into the other room all chatter ceased as they looked as one towards the seasoned medic.

"Is he ok?" Sam asked.

Pete glanced around the room sizing them all up. Deeks was a good judge of character, these were good people.

He placed his bag on the bench in front of them and sat down.

"Whose Dom?" He asked watching and waiting for their reactions.

He didn't have to wait long, walls slammed up so fast he swore he could hear them.

Sam scowled and turned away. Callen's face darkened and he shot a look of concern to Hetty who seemed to know what he needed and surreptitiously patted his arm in support. Kensi looked grief stricken and stood up and started pacing. Nell looked blank and Eric just looked sad.

Callen stood up and walked over to Kensi, putting a hand on her shoulder to stop her pacing and then turned to Pete.

"Will telling you about Dominic Vail help Deeks at all?" he asked.

Pete nodded.

"Marty seems to think that he failed you and that he is being compared to this guy."

"What?"

"No!"

A chorus of denials shot his way and Pete was glad to hear it.

"Tell me." he pushed.

Hetty stood and walked over to him, "Come, join me in my office for a cup of tea. I will tell you about Mr Vail."

She gently took his elbow and guided him to his office with Jess following them, if something was bugging her boy, she wanted to get to the bottom of it too.

As soon as they were settled and Hetty had served a camomile tea to them all, she sat and started to tell them about Dominic Vail. The Agent who had been a member of the team, before she had recruited Deeks as LAPD Liaison.

* * *

Callen knocked quietly on the door to the locker room, not really wanting to disturb Deeks but not wanting to leave him alone if he needed support.

He opened the door and stepped inside.

Deeks was sitting as Pete had left him, dejected with his head in his hands contemplating his future.

Callen put on an air of nonchalance and leaned against the wall, watching and waiting.

"That was a great fight." He said eventually. "It's about time Sam was put in his place."

"I hurt him," Deeks replied not lifting his head.

Callen laughed, "Na...Michelle's been way worse when he's given Kam candy."

"Pete said I broke Sam's rib."

Callen moved and sat next to the younger man.

"Sam's all hot air, it won't do him any lasting damage. But you held your own, I was impressed. I had no idea you knew all those moves?"

Deeks shrugged, "Knew most of those growing up, a few were from the MMA gym I was undercover at."

Callen nodded, "They were good Deeks."

He wanted to ask why he had brought Dom up with Pete, but he knew he needed to bide his time.

"But not good enough…" Deeks snapped surly.

"Yes they are good enough, they were brilliant, in fact I'm thinking we should incorporate them into the training schedule, you teach the whole team some of those moves."

Deeks laughed, "Yeah, lets teach everyone how to lose focus and fight like a maniac."

Callen fought the urge to snap back, knowing exactly what it was like to lose it when confronted by a reminder of your past.

"You were focused and methodical, there was not a hint of maniac. I would like to learn some of those moves from you even if you don't want to teach the whole team."

Deeks finally looked to the team leader.

"You would?"

Callen smiled, not a smirk as he was often seen sporting, but a genuine honest to God smile.

"I really would." He replied.

Deeks searched his face, looking for the hint of a joke, or a trick, but all he saw was sincerity and respect.

He gave a small nod in reply.

"Do you think Sam will want to work with me?" he asked.

Callen nodded, "Sam was seriously impressed with those moves."

"Maybe he'll stop following me now." Deeks mumbled.

"He was trying to help you."

"I'm not Dom!" Deeks snapped at him, "I don't need protecting, I am not a wet behind the ears kid, I have been protecting myself since I was a child. I had Kensi's back when I got shot and managed to protect her. When I was tortured, protecting Sam's cover and Michelle's I still managed to get out of the hospital and show up on that hospital roof to save both Sam and Michelle's asses."

Callen looked at him, he hadn't been on the roof as he was dealing with Janvier at the time.

"How did you know that Siderov had taken Michelle to the roof of the hotel?" he asked.

Deeks stood up and paced away from Callen.

"You guys never checked on me after Sam discharged himself." he said softly.

"Siderov knew I was LAPD. Thought I was Sam's handler. He kept calling the hospital, told me he thought that Quinn was a cop too. He told me he had her in his hotel room and that he was going to let her think she was getting away with it, then he was going to throw her out of the helicopter and leave her body on the roof for her boyfriend to find. I didn't know where Sam was, I couldn't get hold of you or Kensi, so I went to stop him...stop the calls and save Michelle."

Deeks had stopped pacing and was facing the wall, his mind recalling the horrors that Sidorov had told him he was going to inflict on Michelle.

Neither of them had heard the door open, and neither of them had seen the look of horror cross Sam's face as he heard what Sidorov planned to do to his wife.

The silence in the room was suddenly cut by two quiet words, full of pain, relief and sorrow.

"Thank you."


	10. Chapter 10

Sam was nothing if not honorable and he needed to fix this.

He took one look at the disbelief and devastation on Deek's face as he whirled around at his words, and turned on his heels and walked out.

For a second Callen stood, debating on whether or not to go after his partner, then Deeks crumpled.

"DEEKS!" Callen shouted as he ran over and knelt beside Deeks' body.

He glanced towards the door hoping that Sam would come back in but the door didn't open.

"Dammit Deeks...wake up!" Callen cursed as he checked for a pulse and exhaled a deep breath as he realised that Deeks was breathing.

He lay the younger man down gently on the floor and checked his vitals and put him in the recovery position, then he took his phone out and called Hetty, knowing that Pete was a trained medic and was with the other woman.

"Hetty, Deeks has collapsed, can you get Pete in here?" he asked as he talked into the phone.

* * *

Within moments the sound of heavy boots sounded down the corridor and the door burst open as Pete, medic kit in hand, barged into the locker room.

"What happened?" Pete asked as he knelt to check on his boy.

"We were talking, Sam came in, said thank you to Deeks and left. Next thing I know Deeks has collapsed. He's breathing but…" Callen trailed off not knowing what was wrong.

"He's exhausted, he hasn't eaten or slept in a few days, I'll bet." Pete said, "I have some saline in this bag, help me get an IV into him."

Callen baulked at the idea of going near a needle, but he helped get Deeks onto the bench and opened up a locker door to hang a saline bag from.

"He must have just hit his limit what with the fight and then Sam saying thank you." Callen said, not looking at what Pete was doing with the needle.

Pete's question was sidetracked by Jess and the others entering the room.

"Is he alright?" Jess asked dropping to her knees by his side and moving a stray wisp of hair from his face.

Deeks groaned as he started to come too.

"Ma?" he swatted away her hand.

Jess smiled, "Still styled by pillow," she ruffled her fingers through his hair. "You're ok Marty, you fainted." she told him.

Deeks shakily pushed himself up onto his elbows, "Did not." He argued grumpily.

Jess smiled indulgently. "Pete says ya did."

Pete stood and brushed off his trousers, "I said; he passed out due to manly exhaustion, none of this girly fainting nonsense." he argued.

"See...didn't faint." Deeks smirked and then groaned.

"Ya do have to rest boy," Pete admonished him as he tried to move.

"I think Mr. Deeks will be better rested if we moved him to the couch out near the bullpen. I know that the others are worried and will be pleased to see you up and walking." Hetty said.

Deeks nodded, he needed to see where Sam had gone, they needed to talk.

* * *

Michelle jumped as Sam stormed into the house in the middle of the day. Her eyes shot to the bedroom where her gun was kept.

"Sam?" she asked worried.

"Did you talk to Deeks?" Sam asked.

Michelle looked mad, "Sorry? Are you accusing me of cheating on you with Deeks?" she asked, squaring up to face him.

Sam shook his head, "Deeks...he saved me, us, from Sidorov on the roof of that building. Did you go and talk to him afterwards, did you tell him how grateful we were?"

Michelle shook her head. "I thought you had planned on talking to him. After all you were the one who told him you thought he wasn't taking the job seriously enough?!"

She placed both hands on her hips and turned to face her husband.

"Why, have you suddenly changed your mind?"

Sam looked chastened, "I never said thank you, I never told him he had earned my trust, and instead of showing him how grateful I was for his help with Sidorov, I hurt him again, we hurt him."

"Samuel Hanna…." Michelle growled. "Don't you dare go putting this on me. I will get my bag and we are going to talk to him right now." She went and got her bag and before her words had registered she was sitting in the Challenger waiting for her husband.

"Damn." Sam cursed and hurried to join her.

* * *

Deeks lay back on the couch as Jess came over with a mug of soup.

"Where did you get that?" He asked as he moved himself up to take it from her.

"Hetty." Jess smiled, then her face dropped. "When is the last time you ate a proper meal?"

Deeks' stomach growled and he looked abashed, "I don't remember." he admitted. He knew better than to lie to her.

Pete lifted up Deeks' shirt to check his respiration and there was a gasp from both Jess and Kensi as to how thin Deeks seemed, his ribs were more defined than usual and although he had hid it well, it was obvious that he had lost a lot of weight.

Pete listening in, took a monitor and checked his blood sugar.

He shook his head, "It's low kid. You need to eat properly."

"I've not been hungry Pete." Deeks argued.

Jess moved to stand between Pete and Deeks, and fixed Deeks with a stare he remembered from his childhood.

Kensi went to sit near him, "But Deeks, we've been inviting you out with us, you told us you had already eaten?"

Deeks looked away, "I eat." he argued.

"What was your last proper meal?"

"Roast beef, with you all at the shelter." he argued. Jess looked horrified.

"Marty we haven't had that for 3 weeks. What else have you eaten?"

Deeks shrugged, "Fish tacos...doughnuts with Kensi, coffee…"

"Snacking?" Jess looked over at him. "Are you sleeping?"

Deeks shrugged, "Not so much."

"Mr. Deeks, I need my agents in good health, you need to make sure that you eat healthily and rest when needed." Hetty stated.

Deeks knew this and he felt awful, "But Hetty, I just...there's so much going on, I just didn't feel hungry, we had back to back cases and…" He was cut off by Callen.

"This is the reason during cases like this we all go out to eat, ok I will admit, we don't all eat healthy and Sam always likes to rag on my choice of food, but we do make sure that we are all taking care of ourselves. Not everyone has a Michelle to cook for them. You told us you had things to do, so we trusted you when you said you would eat. Deeks we do things as a group to make sure no one is left out or forgotten."

Deeks stared at a suddenly interesting spot on the floor.

"Why didn't you come with us to Sam and Michelle's last weekend?" Kensi asked.

The spot on the floor looked more interesting by the second.

Deeks gave a derisive laugh, "Despite popular belief I am not a masochist, there is no way I was going somewhere I am not wanted."

"You were invited!" Callen argued.

"Only to save face for Sam. He's already said he doesn't want me near his children, that I am dangerous to them…" he put the mug of soup down his appetite gone again.

* * *

Michelle and Sam stood at the edge of the group their arrival had gone unnoticed.

They listened in horror as Deeks admitted he had been excluding himself from team bonding because of how Sam saw him.

"I'm not good enough to be near his kids, I'm too much like my father. I hide it...mostly I hide it well, but Sam saw, he knew...dunno why you all bother with me."

"Because I was wrong Deeks." Sam said moving past Kensi to get closer to Deeks who moved away. "I was wrong Marty, and they all knew I was wrong. You are smart, a loyal and honorable man and I would be proud for you to meet my children. I would be proud if Aiden grew to have half the loyalty and integrity you have." he said putting a hand on Deeks' shoulder, keeping it there as he tried to move away.

Michelle moved to being near him and crouched down as if she was talking to Kamran. "Marty, I need to thank you, you helped keep my husband and my children safe. You kept my cover and in turn ensured that they had both their parents. I will never be able to thank you enough." she grabbed his hands in hers. "You are a remarkable man Marty. My husband agrees with me and we are both proud to know you."

Deeks smiled at her, "It wasn't anything that anyone else wouldn't have done." he blushed as he look at their hands.

"Marty, you had been tortured and you didn't give him up, then you discharged yourself from hospital, even though you were still injured you climbed to the roof of the hotel and then you shot Sidorov to save me."

"Your kids need you." Deeks said by way of explanation.

Michelle nodded, "And this is why I tried to say thank you. We had a few meals where you were invited to attend so we could talk to you, but you never came. Apparently this has all come to a head, so I figured I should just come here and tell you in person."

Michelle moved and Kensi sat next to Deeks taking his hand supportively.

"We are a team Deeks, and we will be here for you as you work through this. Please trust us to be here for you." Kensi begged as she squeezed his hand.

Deeks nodded but said nothing.

 


	11. Chapter 11

They allowed Deeks some time to sleep as the exhaustion claimed him again and moved away from the couch to talk quietly in the bullpen.

"I never realized he was this bad." Callen said keeping his voice low, "I should have I'm his team leader, it's my job to see when my people need help."

Pete shook his head, "If Marty doesn't want you to see what's wrong you won't see."

"But we're federal agents we are trained to notice when people are hiding things. We're professionals!" Kensi argued.

Jess smiled, "Honey, there is professional and then there is professional, Marty has been hiding his real feelings all his life. He doesn't even let me in to how he is feeling all the time."

"But, he trusts you and calls you Ma,"Sam interjected surprised.

Jess smiled sadly, "He trusts me with most things, because I earned his trust. But there are still things that he wouldn't tell me about. I knew that there was something going on here, but he wouldn't tell me. He just told me it would be ok."

"When did he tell you that?"

"About a month after he started working with you...He had been on a case, and someone died, Traynor...I think, he was close to her anyway. It ate him up and he felt like he had let you all down." Jess held up her hand to forestall the words she saw wanting to defend Deeks coming from the other agents and continued. "He didn't expect you to understand his relationship with Traynor, they were close...really close, he had let her in and she would listen while he talked, they both had things in their past and I think with them sharing their experiences with each other they managed to help each other."

"He could have come to us." Sam said. "We would have listened...We know what it's like to lose a partner."

"Dominic...yes, Hetty told us, but it isn't the same. Jessie was the first woman Marty really loved. He loved her and allowed her to love him, which for him was a breakthrough. He hadn't had a real relationship since…, well there was this one girl he liked in college." Jess sighed but continued. "It didn't work out so well and he needed to get a restraining order out on her. Turns out she was paid by his father to date him and hurt him."

Deeks slept, the exhaustion and Sam's words rolling around in his head. unfortunately the peace of knowing that Sam trusted him with his kids was shattered as the memory of his father butted in.

In his mind the scenery around him got darker and murkier, walls rising around him and a dumpster next to him getting taller… or was he getting smaller?

A chill ran down his spine as familiar laughter rang around him and he found himself wrapping his arms around himself to keep the warmth in and the fear away.

"They know now!" A voice laughed gleefully. "They know how useless you are… Take care of them? You can't look after yourself, or her. You know that Sam doesn't mean it, he's just trying to look good."

The voice whirled around him like a tornado, the downwards force of his words making Deeks fall to his knees.

"Sam respects me." Deeks called out his voice sounding younger and higher in his ears.

"RESPECTS YOU!" The voice laughed. "He respects you? How can he he doesn't know you. He doesn't know the snivelling brat who sat back and watched his mother killed because he couldn't step up for her. He doesn't know the kid who whored himself out as a stripper for an education he didn't need….He doesn't know YOU."

"I didn't...I worked for my money...I…."

"SHUT UP!" A black mass formed in front of him, "You need to respect your betters, you need to learn your place."

Deeks moaned softly in his sleep as he felt the first of his father's blows.

He watched unable to move as his mother was shot again in front of him, her eyes pleading with him to get to safety as the light left them.

Then the scene changed.

He was in the stairwell of a hotel.

He was running as fast as he could, pain throbbing through his body as the pounding of his feet sent shockwaves through his jaw.

After running for what seemed like miles he finally reached the door as he opened it there was a loud bang.

Michelle fell in front of Sam dead a bullet hole marking the means of her demise.

"NOOOOO!" Sam screamed as his wife hit the helipad.

Sidorov turned to Deeks who was holding his gun and he smiled.

"I never would have known about Quinn being CIA and you David being FBI if it wasn't for your weak handler here. He is the one you need to blame for Quinn's death. Thank you Mr. LAPD." he grinned as he turned the gun on Sam who sank to the ground his hand reaching for Michelle and his eyes looking in question at Deeks, his last words on his lips as he died.

"Why Deeks...why were you not strong enough?"

The black mass formed again and the once sunny rooftop went dark.

"You failed them, you were weak...Both Sam and Michelle are dead...now watch what happened to the people you care about because you are a weak pathetic excuse for a man." the voice sneered.

Sidorov turned to Deeks, "This is all on you." he said as the helicopter landed. He levelled his gun at Kensi and to Deeks' horror pulled the trigger.

"KENSI!"

Deeks' shrill scream rang out through the bullpen and within seconds Pete had moved to his side.

"Hey...kid...come on wake up, it's just a dream." He touched Deeks' arm.

In the dream Pete materialized next to Deeks shaking his head.

"It's not a dream kid." Pete said solemnly.

"NOOOOOO!" In the dream and in the waking world tears of horror fell from Deeks' eyes as his body thrashed to escape the horror he was witnessing.

Kensi teared up as she heard the cry fall from his lips.

"Deeks...Marty wake up, it's not real, it's a dream."

Pete in the dream turned to Deeks. "You know they all hate you now."

Deeks turned and looked at him, "You're not Pete. Pete would never say that, this isn't real!"

The bodies of Sam, Michelle and Deeks all faded away, but Sidorov and the black mass remained.

"You're dead!" Deeks said looking straight at Sidorov.

Sidorov faded but the black mass got darker and rushed towards him.

On the couch Deeks threw his arms around his head and moaned as the Mass in his mind rained blow upon blow down on him with obscenities flowing like a deranged river.

Pete pulled Deeks off the couch and onto his lap his arms wrapping around him like a blanket. "Give us some space." he said to the others and he rocked gently with Deeks murmuring into his ear.

Deeks shook his head as Pete talked softly.

"Come on kid, it's ok...wake up…"

"No….he won't let me." Deek's voice seemed uncertain.

"It's ok, he's gone...he's dead, you can come back to us, wake up."

Deeks let out a sob he couldn't hold in and opened his eyes.

"Pete?" he wriggled trying to get out of the older man's grasp.

"You back with us kid?" Pete asked.

Deeks nodded, "I'm fine." he lied.

Seven pairs of disbelieving eyes looked at him.

Deeks got to his feet, wiping down his jeans, "Ok, so I'm not fine, but I'm not hurt, just tired." he admitted avoiding looking at Sam, Michelle and Kensi.

"You need to eat Marty." Michelle said, "You all need to eat, I think you should all come to my house and Sam will fire up the grill."

"I've eaten." Deeks snapped.

He stopped as the others looked at him.

"Do you think that we will let you get away with that now?" Michelle said hands on her hips, "Everyone is invited and Everyone is coming right?"

They all nodded and Michelle moved closer to Deeks, "And I won't take no for an answer." she added softly.

Deeks gulped and nodded.


	12. Chapter 12

All the way to Sam's Deeks kept his head down.

He had tried really hard to get out of attending, but Michelle had taken no notice and had invited everyone present then gone to talk with Hetty and Jess in Hetty's office while Pete had gone to the locker room to help Deeks wash and change.

Deeks had had to smile at that. He knew he didn't need the help but he recognised the older man's need to make sure he was alright.

* * *

He would never have admitted it but to be honest, if he had been able to pick someone as his father, Pete would have been the man he would have picked. Pete was in Marty's mind the sort of man he would like to have been like if he was ever a father. However in his heart he knew that his father's genes made it impossible for him to be a father. He wondered as he showered, had Pete been his father what would his life have been like?

He was roused from his musing by Pete's voice calling over the door to the showers. "You got everything you need, I have a razor if you need it?" There was the hint of laughter in the old man's voice and Deeks caught it.

"What and ruin this perfect look?" he called back as he shut off the water, walked out of the shower and shook his head spraying water everywhere.

"You're too much like your dog kid." Pete laughed.

"Who do you think taught Monty to dry his hair like that?" Deeks grinned in reply as he walked to the clothes in a pile on the bench. "You picked out my clothes?" he asked in surprise.

Pete shook his head, "That little lady of yours said you should dress up nice. She gave me the clothes and said not to get them dirty."

Deeks sighed and looked, "She has taste, I have to give her that."

Pete nodded in agreement, "My turn now, she's got me an outfit too, gonna be gussied up like a goddamn thanksgiving turkey." he groused goodnaturedly.

"You'll need that razor then." Deeks smirked and ducked as Pete threw a towel at him and stormed off to the shower.

Chuckling to himself Deeks looked through the clothes he was given. Soft linen pants, briefs, a light blue polo shirt and canvas shoes. Beside them was a small toiletry bag and a note.

He listen to Pete, singing badly in the shower and smiling opened the note.

_**' Mr. Deeks, please do not worry about this meal, we will all be there and we all want you there. I hope the shower finds you refreshed and the change of clothes will lighten your spirits. Remember that we all care about you and as a member of our family we want you to feel loved. Hetty.'** _

He smiled as he folded the note up and placed it in his pocket.

She knew.

Of course she knew, she was Hetty. So she must know his innermost wants and hope. He never would admit it, but Callen wasn't the only one who longed for a family where he would belong.

* * *

Pete walked out and looked at the pile of clothes that Hetty had provided for him.

"Ooh fancy duds." he said drying his hair.

Pete got his bag that Hetty had left for him and grinned, "That woman thinks of everything."

Deeks nodded in agreement as he pulled the shirt over his head.

Now he was sitting in a car with Jess, Pete and Kensi. He was trying to not focus on where he was going or why.

All too soon in his mind they pulled up in front of the beige colored house that was the Hanna home.

Callen and Hetty were stood out front.

Kensi got out and Jess and Pete followed walking around and opening Deeks' door.

"Come on kid."

Deeks shot a worried look in Pete's direction but he quickly covered it and got out of the car.

"Hey!" Callen said smiling as they walked up the path, "Sam and Michelle are in the back."

"Welcome." Hetty said as Jess and Pete got to the door.

"Thank you for the threads Miss Hetty." Pete said with a small bow and producing a small bunch of flowers from behind his back."

Deeks looked confused, he was sure they hadn't stopped on their way there but sure enough Pete was handing Hetty the flowers and smiling as she admired them and Jess had a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine in her hands.

Deeks followed them into the house.

* * *

He wasn't sure what he had expected, but it was a nice neat home.

There was a happy squeal from the back yard and Deeks froze.

Sam's kids were here.

"Hey Deeks, you want a drink?" Sam asked smiling as he walked in a beer in his hand.

Deeks shook his head and backed up a bit.

Jess had gone through with Kensi and Hetty to talk to Michelle and Callen and Pete had ventured into the yard as well, Callen was showing Aiden and Pete his basketball skills.

"Ya know Deeks had a friend who he taught Basketball too, you should ask him for some pointers, can't remember the name of his friend but he's some big shot player now." Pete said.

Aiden looked over to where Pete was looking. He had seen the blond haired man at Christmas when they had been at the ice rink with his parents and uncle Callen, but he hadn't realized that he worked with his father. He just thought he was dating his aunt Kensi.

"He works with you too?" Aiden asked Callen.

Callen nodded, "Sure does, he's just not been able to make it here before, he's been busy."

Aiden shot him a look of disbelief, "Sure Uncle Callen."

"Honestly, would I lie?" Callen smirked.

"So...he's….uncle Deeks?" Aiden asked quietly.

Callen shook his head, "Try uncle Marty." he grinned remembering Deeks' spiel one day.

Aiden nodded, he moved to go but Callen put a hand on his arm, "Be gentle with him Aiden, he's had a bad few weeks. PTSD." he informed the teenager softly.

Aiden nodded. He had learned about PTSD in Military School and was mindful of it's effects on people. "Yes sir...uncle G," he grinned.

Jogging lightly he entered the house behind his father, "Dad, can Uncle Marty come and show me his basketball moves, Pete said that he's a great player?"

Deeks stopped and looked surprised at the boy and held his breath waiting to see what Sam would say, cringing internally as he waited for the answer.

"Of course if he wants to." Sam looked at Deeks who was looking at him in shock.

"I...you…?" Deeks stammered in surprise.

"Will you uncle Marty?" Aiden asked.

Deeks nodded dumbly unable to speak. Sam was letting him near his children!

Sam smiled as Aiden pulled the dazed detective out into the yard with them.

* * *

"Well, that went well." Michelle smiled as she wrapped her arms around her husband's waist.

"I hope so, maybe when he relaxes he'll enjoy himself."

"Did you guys set that up?" she asked as Sam nodded.

She nuzzled into his neck, "You are a sneaky man Sam Hanna."

Smiling he disentangled himself from her and headed to the garden, and the grill.

He said nothing as he looked over and Deeks was telling Aiden about his friend Kyp and his basketball scores.

"He ok?" Sam asked Jess as he moved towards Jess and Hetty who were admiring Sam's grill.

Jess looked over and saw the tenseness in his body.

"No, he's not...but he's not going to let it show." Jess said quietly.

Sam was hurting, he wanted to show Deeks everything was ok but he didn't know what else he could do. "What can I do?" he asked.

Jess took a seat at the table behind him and motioned for him to take a chair.

"Don't make a big deal of this, Marty will eventually relax and he will calm down, right now he's just scared."

"Scared?" Hetty asked as Sam sat and took a drink from his beer.

"He's scared of making the wrong move," Jess smiled sadly and gave a small laugh. "It reminds me of when he first came to the shelter."

* * *

Sam looked interested as did Hetty, both of them looking over to Deeks watching as Aiden set up a shot and threw the ball. Deeks high fived him and showed him another way of taking the shot.

"When Marty first came to the shelter he was helpful and quiet. He would be the first one up, he would walk Monty and then clean up before the families got up for breakfast, he was eleven years old, but he would have made a start on the breakfasts before the staff arrived to start cooking in the kitchen. He would make sure every child had food and he would sneak snacks to the smaller ones before he left for school. He would come straight back to the shelter and would race through his homework and spend time teaching the younger kids to read and write, and some, like Kyp he would help with things like basketball as Kyp had no one to practice with. Then he would help clean up after the evening meal and make sure everyone was settled before he finally fell asleep. You have to understand, it took us nearly a year before he finally managed to trust us enough that he would relax. He was convinced that if he made a mistake or was seen as useless by us that we would kick him out." Jess waited as her words sank in.

"I told him I didn't think he was committed enough." Sam near whispered.

Jess nodded, "I know. It nearly broke him, but he continued and it was one of the reasons he was determined to save you and your wife, to prove he belonged. More than anything he liked feeling like a member of a family. He didn't mind too much that you were abusing him…" she held up her hand to stop Sam from yelling in protest. "Your treatment of Marty was abuse. Believe it or not Sam you were a father figure to Deeks."

"I'm not old enough to be a father figure to him." Sam argued.

Jess smiled, "That's not what I meant. Sam, you remind him of his father. Tough, authoritarian, and you scare the crap out of him." she added candidly.

"I do?" Sam looked surprised, "I never wanted to scare him. I mean I already know how brave he is I saw how he protected Kensi when he was shot. I just wanted to make sure that he protected himself, Kensi couldn't cope losing another partner and we wanted to protect him." He argued he raised his voice a bit and Deeks froze looking over at Sam who was staring at Jess in horror.

"Here…" Deeks said as he handed Aiden the ball, "You keep practicing I'm going to get a soda." he smiled at the teen who nodded and kept trying the move Deeks had just taught him.

Listening for a second to the boy and keeping a wary eye on Sam he moved back into the house.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Deeks walked in the house.

"You going somewhere?" Michelle asked from the kitchen.

Deeks nodded grimly. "Kitchen, was looking for some water." he replied.

Michelle reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water and handed it to him.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Will he ever trust me?" Deeks opened the bottle and took a drink.

"Will you trust him?" Michelle asked back.

Deeks took another sip of water and watched as Sam got up and turned to the grill. "I do trust him, I've always trusted and admired him. Even when he scared me. I didn't want there to be such a wedge between us. I just want him to see me...as an equal."

Michelle dried her hands and leaned against the counter, "Well...Maybe you should be an equal then."

* * *

Nodding he took another drink. He had been trying to get a handle on his emotions, it was the one thing about his PTSD that he hated. The fact that his emotions would run away and he would revert into himself.

He was grateful for the help Jess and Pete had given, they had broken the ice while he had been at his lowest ebb, but the more he watched Jess talk for him the more angry he got.

He was a grown man for goodness sake.

"I can do this." he growled aloud not realizing that Michelle was still listening.

"Yes, you can. Only you can and you should." She told him. "But remember that Sam was working with the information he had at the time and he has always been a team player, you weren't acting in his mind like a team player."

"Dammit, what do I have to do to get through to him?" Deeks asked.

"Stop acting like Aiden. Start talking and acting like the responsible man you are." She said quietly.

"I didn't realize that was how you thought of me. I mean I know I find it hard to talk, about...him, but…"

Michelle placed a hand on his shoulder, "It's not about telling us all your secrets or telling us all your past, it's about trusting the team to have your back when something is bothering you."

"I've not had that before, I didn't know?" Deeks told Michelle. "LAPD wasn't like that, and these guys were a team before I came and I didn't want to bulldoze my way into that."

Michelle moved to the kitchen table and motioned for him to join her.

"You always been an outsider?" she asked.

Marty nodded, "Yeah, I kinda liked it that way, I don't get too close no one can be hurt."

"And you can't be hurt by them." she reasoned.

He looked away, "Yeah."

She picked up her own bottle of water and took a sip.

"You've never really had a family, have you?"

"I had a family…" he started to argue.

"That, what you had with your father, that wasn't a family, or a home." She told him.

"It was all I deserved." Deeks sighed.

"No…" Michelle's voice raised a little and Deeks couldn't help but look at her.

"It was a lousy hand you were dealt Marty, but look at what you did with it. I heard what Jess said, you turned your negative into a positive, you helped people."

Deeks shrugged, "I just earned my keep. You can't take charity, If I was going to stay at the shelter I needed to earn my place there. They would have kicked me out if I hadn't."

"You really believe that?" Michelle asked.

Deeks nodded. "I mean I know Jess and Pete have come to care for me over time, I care for them too...but at first they didn't even know me."

"They became your family…" Michelle prodded.

"No, they aren't family, they are friends…" Marty argued, "You trust your friends…"

"Exactly you trust your friends, aren't the team your friends?"

"Not really, I mean I trust them a bit, we work together…"

Michelle sighed, "The team do a lot together outside of work. We have cookouts here on a regular basis, and I think of all you guys as family. Kensi has her mom now, but when she started she didn't have any family. Callen doesn't have any family, so we include him as much as we can. There is a place for you too we want you in our family the question is do you want to be there."

* * *

Deeks flinched at the thought of being part of a family. Admittedly it was the one thing he wanted, but also he was scared. It was the reason he had refused to be fostered by Jess and had argued until he was blue with his social worker to allow him to stay at the shelter and not go into a home.

He didn't trust families, families hurt.

He remembered growing up seeing those happy families, ones at the beach who would play and laugh together. Ones at christmas when he would walk the streets, making sure that another kid took his place at the shelter and had a meal and a donated gift. He would look in through windows as he passed seeing families from the outside. Some would look like those movies he had seen on the tv. Others would reinforce his opinion that a family was something best left to others.

Michelle sat back in the chair.

"The choice is yours Marty. Are you going to face this and work through it and hope that things will get better. Or are you going to take the easy way out." she said indicating the door at the end of the hallway.

She stood up and walked to the back yard where Kamran was giggling at something Callen was saying to her.

Deeks sat looking at the half drunk bottle of water in his hands.

He could take the easy way out, but what would he be giving up?

He would never be able to show his face at work again. Kensi...he would be giving her up and that to him was an anathema.

Jess, Pete both had tried to help him in their own way, but ultimately the only one who could help himself was him. What did he want out of life?

He stood up, shot a look of longing at the door and then headed for the other one.

* * *

Sam was the first to look up as Deeks walked back out into the garden. Michelle smiled and lay a hand on her husband's shoulder.

"Stay." she whispered. "Hetty, Jess would you mind helping me in the kitchen with the salad?" she asked.

Both women nodded and left leaving Sam and Deeks alone at the small round table.

"Food smells great." Deeks said sitting across from Sam.

Sam nodded, "Yeah," he agreed, "It should be ready soon I hope you're hungry."

"I'm starving." Deeks admitted.

"I made a mistake, I am sorry. Well, I made more than one, I misjudged you and I shouldn't have."

Deeks nodded, "I made mistakes too Sam. I need to apologize as well."

"So, you're staying?" Sam asked.

"What I have here is too important to leave." he admitted.

Sam smiled, "I am glad...tell me D...Marty, how did the basketball with Aiden go?" Sam wanted to talk to him but he figured right now some common ground was the way to go.

Deeks smiled, "Really good, if he ever decided to he could go pro, I think...if it's ok I would like to take him to meet my friend Kyp sometime. He would get a lot out of a few lessons with him."

"Can I Dad! Please!" Aiden said having overheard the conversation.

Sam nodded, "Sure, you can go with Deeks anytime he wants. As long as you behave."

"I will."

"I will!" Deeks and Aiden said at the same time.

Sam laughed "I know you will."

For a second Deeks looked hard at Sam, but there was no anger or malice in his tone, he wasn't threatening in anyway.

He took a deep breath and allowed himself to relax, Sam wasn't his father, no one was judging him and he could and would fight his own battles.

From the kitchen Jess and Hetty looked at him and then Michelle.

"Thank you." Jess said, "I think you might have given him something we never could. A real family."

Michelle hugged the other woman, "You and Pete are a part of this family now too. Together we will all help Marty heal and Marty will learn that he can have the type of family he deserves a safe and loving one."

He didn't know why but at that moment Deeks was overwhelmed with a feeling of love and acceptance.

"You're safe now…"

Deeks blinked and turned to where he had heard a voice he hadn't heard aloud in a long time. But no one was there. Smiling he jogged over to where Callen had Kamran on his shoulders and they were beating Aiden and Pete.

"Come on Uncle Marty, we are beating Aiden!" Kam shouted giggling.

"We got a game then?" Callen asked as Kensi, Sam and Deeks came over.

"I'm in!" Deeks grinned and ran onto the court laughing.

He wasn't totally healed. Far from it, he knew he would have bad days and good days. But he also knew he could trust these people….his family to have his back and support him no matter what.

Finally he got his fondest wish.

 


End file.
